Sense of Accomplishment...or not

While in the working field full time one of my positive attributes was my desire to finish projects once started. I would stay late, work from home, or come in early if I could not get the task finished within normal working hours. Sometimes this got the best of me, and exhausted me, but the sense of accomplishment was what made it worth it. This is something I'm struggling with as a Full-time Momma. If you have read my earlier post "Nonexistent" I talked about how Salary.com computed a study of the jobs that a Stay-At-Home mom is responsible for. With that list as a guide, when I go to bed at night the sense of feeling unaccomplished of my responsibilities is sometimes overwhelming. It just isn't possible to finish everything that needs to be done. Some days are far worse than others as it depends on how Elijah's day is going. Recently he's become very clingy and seemingly not stimulated enough. He follows me around, but if I sit down to play with him he ignores me. If I'm trying to do dishes, he hangs on my legs and cries, same when I'm attempting to cook dinner. Forget cleaning anything, as he's right there getting into cabinets, or trying to "help." As you can imagine, him "helping" although incredibly adorable, actually creates more work for me. And so, during "working hours" (aka when Elijah is awake), I've now given up on expecting to accomplish any tasks and if I do complete something I take it as a bonus. This still doesn't make me feel accomplished, because deep down I'm aware that things weren't finished (or even started for that matter), and it's unsettling.

Just a glimpse of what happens while I'm attempting to cook.

Naps: Sometimes It's one nap, sometimes it's two separate naps, either way it buys me a total of somewhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours. It is absolutely overwhelming trying to decide what to do in the precious time that he's asleep. There's a catch to this too, as when I do attempt to be productive he almost always wakes up early, (30 minute nap). The slightest noise will wake him. Then, when I decide to stay low key (in other words quiet) he takes a long fulfilled nap. Which results with me feeling unproductive, lazy and that I've just wasted 2 hours of quality time where I could have accomplished something. 


Evenings: ...7:30-8PM roll around and my little angel goes to sleep for the night. This is when for an instant I feel a much needed break, I sit down on the couch and let out a big sigh. It's then I realize how many things still need to get done. At this point I'm exhausted just from the day, and I just want to go to bed. Some times, I do just go to bed and that's coupled with lack of feeling accomplished and also guilty. These feelings take away the beautiful feeling of being able to go to sleep. It feels like a lose-lose situation and I struggle with it every day. Even writing this blog entry is taking precious time away from what I "should" be doing, which is almost always the case with writing all of my blogs. 
(insert time stamp of 5:30AM, blogging before he wakes up this morning.)


Where do I go from here? How do I attack it? How do I balance taking care of a home and child and Joel, be a good friend, walk the dogs, work,  AND find time for myself to read, blog, enjoy a glass of wine or work out? How do I find a sense of accomplishment in my day to day activities, when I can't hide from the fact that my to-do list isn't completed and every day unfinished tasks flood into my next days to-do list? Does every Momma out there feel this way, or have I just not gotten a handle on the Super Mom role? Finding a balance would benefit my sanity and every day life enormously. Why haven't I found it?

Cuddle Monkey

Waking up in the morning... *sigh*... has always included a process for me to start my day. Before Elijah, I would get up early for work, just so I could actually wake up a bit before having to drive there. I would take a shower, get ready and take my coffee in my travel mug for my drive. Upon arrival I would even linger around before actually sitting at my desk with a second cup of coffee to begin my work. With this said, you can imagine how difficult it was for me to adjust to consecutive 2 hour wake ups that turned into 6:30AM daily wake up calls, in which there is no time for the gradual waking up process that I was used to.

Lately, my morning wake up has become my favorite part of the day.


Most mornings around 6:30AM I hear movement and babble, and as I glance up at the video monitor I see an excited toddler sitting or standing in his crib eager to begin his day. He's talking to himself, whimpering a little to let me know he's ready to get up and/or playing with whatever he can find in his crib. Some mornings he's not so happy upon waking up and has zero patience waiting for someone to come get him. Either way, It's time for me to roll out of bed and drag my tired body into the kitchen and pour some milk into his sippy cup. Depending on how awake I am by the time I make it to the kitchen, I may also poor myself a cup of coffee that is happily waiting for me due to the coffee pot timer (amazing invention). Half asleep with my eyes barely open, I walk into his room. He's standing there in his crib, looking at me as if he's thinking "what took you so long Momma?" Sometimes he'll shriek a laugh, giggle, or point to the window and say "rar bar bar" Translation: "I'm ready to ask a million questions today with my baby babble."  And so I respond with "Good Morning Bub, yes that's a window." I pick him and give him a big hug to which he's pushing away from and pointing to the decals on the wall. "Yup Eli, that's a giraffe, and a monkey, and a butterfly!" I say, pointing to the pictures. Then we walk into my room, and as I sit him down on propped pillows he puts his hands out to receive his cup. I sit next to him and pull the blankets up over us. Often times I'm enjoying my coffee and at this point I'm so glad I took the extra step in pouring myself a cup. As he reaches the end of his milk, I then reach my favorite time of the day...

...My little cuddle monkey puts his cup down, giggles and nuzzles his head softly into my neck. He gives me kisses, then lays his head on my chest and I rub his back. For about 20 minutes we share hugs and kisses, laugh, cuddle, and play before he becomes anxious for what's in the kitchen, play room or living room. But this 20 minutes is the absolute best feeling in the world. Warmth, love, and happiness. It makes all of those other frustrations, obstacles, and hard times diminish temporarily and reminds me of the blessing that I have in my life and how truly lucky I am to be able to have this 20 minutes with my son.