Sense of Accomplishment...or not

While in the working field full time one of my positive attributes was my desire to finish projects once started. I would stay late, work from home, or come in early if I could not get the task finished within normal working hours. Sometimes this got the best of me, and exhausted me, but the sense of accomplishment was what made it worth it. This is something I'm struggling with as a Full-time Momma. If you have read my earlier post "Nonexistent" I talked about how Salary.com computed a study of the jobs that a Stay-At-Home mom is responsible for. With that list as a guide, when I go to bed at night the sense of feeling unaccomplished of my responsibilities is sometimes overwhelming. It just isn't possible to finish everything that needs to be done. Some days are far worse than others as it depends on how Elijah's day is going. Recently he's become very clingy and seemingly not stimulated enough. He follows me around, but if I sit down to play with him he ignores me. If I'm trying to do dishes, he hangs on my legs and cries, same when I'm attempting to cook dinner. Forget cleaning anything, as he's right there getting into cabinets, or trying to "help." As you can imagine, him "helping" although incredibly adorable, actually creates more work for me. And so, during "working hours" (aka when Elijah is awake), I've now given up on expecting to accomplish any tasks and if I do complete something I take it as a bonus. This still doesn't make me feel accomplished, because deep down I'm aware that things weren't finished (or even started for that matter), and it's unsettling.

Just a glimpse of what happens while I'm attempting to cook.

Naps: Sometimes It's one nap, sometimes it's two separate naps, either way it buys me a total of somewhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours. It is absolutely overwhelming trying to decide what to do in the precious time that he's asleep. There's a catch to this too, as when I do attempt to be productive he almost always wakes up early, (30 minute nap). The slightest noise will wake him. Then, when I decide to stay low key (in other words quiet) he takes a long fulfilled nap. Which results with me feeling unproductive, lazy and that I've just wasted 2 hours of quality time where I could have accomplished something. 


Evenings: ...7:30-8PM roll around and my little angel goes to sleep for the night. This is when for an instant I feel a much needed break, I sit down on the couch and let out a big sigh. It's then I realize how many things still need to get done. At this point I'm exhausted just from the day, and I just want to go to bed. Some times, I do just go to bed and that's coupled with lack of feeling accomplished and also guilty. These feelings take away the beautiful feeling of being able to go to sleep. It feels like a lose-lose situation and I struggle with it every day. Even writing this blog entry is taking precious time away from what I "should" be doing, which is almost always the case with writing all of my blogs. 
(insert time stamp of 5:30AM, blogging before he wakes up this morning.)


Where do I go from here? How do I attack it? How do I balance taking care of a home and child and Joel, be a good friend, walk the dogs, work,  AND find time for myself to read, blog, enjoy a glass of wine or work out? How do I find a sense of accomplishment in my day to day activities, when I can't hide from the fact that my to-do list isn't completed and every day unfinished tasks flood into my next days to-do list? Does every Momma out there feel this way, or have I just not gotten a handle on the Super Mom role? Finding a balance would benefit my sanity and every day life enormously. Why haven't I found it?

Cuddle Monkey

Waking up in the morning... *sigh*... has always included a process for me to start my day. Before Elijah, I would get up early for work, just so I could actually wake up a bit before having to drive there. I would take a shower, get ready and take my coffee in my travel mug for my drive. Upon arrival I would even linger around before actually sitting at my desk with a second cup of coffee to begin my work. With this said, you can imagine how difficult it was for me to adjust to consecutive 2 hour wake ups that turned into 6:30AM daily wake up calls, in which there is no time for the gradual waking up process that I was used to.

Lately, my morning wake up has become my favorite part of the day.


Most mornings around 6:30AM I hear movement and babble, and as I glance up at the video monitor I see an excited toddler sitting or standing in his crib eager to begin his day. He's talking to himself, whimpering a little to let me know he's ready to get up and/or playing with whatever he can find in his crib. Some mornings he's not so happy upon waking up and has zero patience waiting for someone to come get him. Either way, It's time for me to roll out of bed and drag my tired body into the kitchen and pour some milk into his sippy cup. Depending on how awake I am by the time I make it to the kitchen, I may also poor myself a cup of coffee that is happily waiting for me due to the coffee pot timer (amazing invention). Half asleep with my eyes barely open, I walk into his room. He's standing there in his crib, looking at me as if he's thinking "what took you so long Momma?" Sometimes he'll shriek a laugh, giggle, or point to the window and say "rar bar bar" Translation: "I'm ready to ask a million questions today with my baby babble."  And so I respond with "Good Morning Bub, yes that's a window." I pick him and give him a big hug to which he's pushing away from and pointing to the decals on the wall. "Yup Eli, that's a giraffe, and a monkey, and a butterfly!" I say, pointing to the pictures. Then we walk into my room, and as I sit him down on propped pillows he puts his hands out to receive his cup. I sit next to him and pull the blankets up over us. Often times I'm enjoying my coffee and at this point I'm so glad I took the extra step in pouring myself a cup. As he reaches the end of his milk, I then reach my favorite time of the day...

...My little cuddle monkey puts his cup down, giggles and nuzzles his head softly into my neck. He gives me kisses, then lays his head on my chest and I rub his back. For about 20 minutes we share hugs and kisses, laugh, cuddle, and play before he becomes anxious for what's in the kitchen, play room or living room. But this 20 minutes is the absolute best feeling in the world. Warmth, love, and happiness. It makes all of those other frustrations, obstacles, and hard times diminish temporarily and reminds me of the blessing that I have in my life and how truly lucky I am to be able to have this 20 minutes with my son. 

Nonexistent

Did you know that a Stay-at-Home Mom actually is a combination of 10 individual jobs? I believe it, because I'm that person!! Salary.com computed a study to try and figure out what the "price of Mom" is.  Don't worry Stay-at-Home Dad's we recognize this goes for you too. The job descriptions that Mom (or Dad) perform on a daily basis are, housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist. In addition, she works plenty of overtime (52 Hours worth - 92 hour work weeks), has no breaks, and lastly receives no pay (at least nothing that begins with a dollar sign). She relies on that one smile or snuggle she gets every so often for payment. Not only that, but aside from the 10 individual jobs that a Stay-at-home Mom participates in she often completes them with a crying baby in the background. Or if anyone has a son/daughter similar to Eli, completes them while constantly looking for the toddler to make sure they aren't getting into anything. It's exhausting.  

Just for the sake of closure; in conclusion Salary.com surveyed 40,000 mom's and logged their hours per job description. By calculating the median salary for each position they came up with a $138,095 salary for Mom. Yikes!


And still, when Dad comes home, Mom is seemingly nonexistent to baby and acts like the day has been perfect.
This happened to me today, (although it's happened many times before) today is what encouraged me to write about it. Elijah woke up from his nap, and he was the epitome of the common phrase "waking up on the wrong side of the bed." It was almost bizarre how cranky he actually was. Joel had already informed me that he was going to be late coming home from work, so you can imagine my frustration that Eli woke up this way. Not thinking straight and hungry, I proceeded to continue and cook dinner. Eli cried the WHOLE time. Hanging on my legs, falling to the floor, whining. Then, he'd want to be held, then wanted to be put back down. I tried to feed him he threw it to the floor, I tried to distract him, and he wasn't having it. After a stressful dinner for 2 (and only because I was hungry did I put myself through actually eating dinner), I decided a walk might be helpful. He was completely serene on the walk and I felt a sense of relief. When we came home it started all over again. I found myself thinking, what the heck is this kids deal!?!?!?!  I figured a bath may do the trick; and then in walks in Dad...

...And so begins Mom's nonexistence.  Believe it or not, we have an Angel!! I'm not kidding, it was like night and day, a special act of perfect child and I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. Smiles, laughs, shrieks of excitement. Ugh. These  happy moments he was protruding were not directed towards me in the slightest bit. In fact I believe he didn't even care that I was in the room anymore. Talk about not receiving payment for a long days work.


We all have bad days. We all have off days. We all have days where we just want to scream, crawl under a rock and stay there. So, it's understandable that a One year old would also have these same off days. Although for them, it's most likely worse because they cannot communicate how they are feeling to us. COMPLETELY understandable. I am more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and be there as much as I can for him to try to make him more comfortable. BUT if he pulls a 180 with his attitude and is perfectly fine when someone else enters the room I feel I have zero tolerance for this behavior.

Needless to say, a big glass of wine was needed tonight. I also decided Overtime was not an option. The dishes are still in the sink, laundry is still in the dryer, and the playroom is still a mess. These were the things that were on my "I have to do tonight" list. Lets not mention everything else that was put on hold.










MSN Money Staff (2007). The Price of Mom.http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/RaiseKids/ThePriceOfAMom.aspx

The Baby-less Friends

November 2, 2008

What happens to your baby-less friends when you have a baby? What role are they expected to take on? I would assume the opinion varies depending on who you're talking to, the baby-less friend or the friend with the new baby.  This is something I'm still struggling with. How do I keep the important people who have been in my life happy when you add my lil' guy to the mix? I've come to one conclusion... some of these friends are supportive and are there for you but they don't always want to be around you AND the baby, it's just not the same for them. Especially since they don't quite understand what you're going through. And maybe they just won't apprehend this until they have children of their own.  As insensitive as this seems for the baby-less friend to sound, it's the harsh reality, and they are entitled to feeling this way. So what are us new Mom's left with to do? Not only are we juggling work (some of us), housework, spouses, errands, and some space for ourselves (which includes what? Finally a shower that's not rushed or a shower without crying in the background because lil' man doesn't want to be in the jumper?) Aside from that let's not forget actually taking care of our child which is the equivalent to two full time jobs. We now have to find time and energy to hang out with our baby-less friends without the baby? This again seems insensitive, from the Momma's side, but is the harsh reality. Are Mom's being selfish, or are the baby-less friends being unrealistic, or is everyone just insensitive?

March 28, 2009

At this point, I've felt like giving up is my only option. I just cannot please everyone. I can't have the best of both worlds. I've reached a place in my life where I'm forced to let go of how things worked in the past. Even when I have the opportunity to have a baby-less adventure out, it's exhausting just thinking about the preparation for it. If Joel (Dad) is not available or is coming with me, first it's finding a sitter and with limited family members here that's tough. Then packing for the baby while trying to get ready myself all while he's tugging at my leg looking for my attention, it's stressful. Lastly the point that gets me every time is that with everyone mostly working during the day, these opportunities present themselves as evening time activities, therefore they end up with a late night return. This always has me thinking the entire time "Shit, I have to get up in x hours." I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like fun, it's agony. To me, this is all just not worth it. But then, while I'm sitting at home on a Friday night at 8:30pm with Elijah asleep I can't help but feel lonely. I start to realize that sometimes I miss that life, and wonder if it's even possible to juggle both.

July 30, 2009

I'm stuck in such a hard place. On the one hand I feel I have no choice, that there's too much on my plate already and I can only afford people in my life who can try to understand where I'm coming from. But on the other hand I feel guilty, and feel as though this is part of the adjustment and something I'm supposed to find within myself to make it work. Either way, it's something that I constantly think about, worry about, and it frightens me that I may lose a couple of close friends.

I wrote this post back in July (2011) and just recently I stumbled upon this article 

responding to a baby-less friends side of

the story. One of the best answers I've heard

yet!!

One Going On Five

As we enter toddler world, it's a whole different ball game. When I had a tiny infant on my hands and everyone would say, "sleep when he sleeps," or "rest now, this is easy", I believed them. But honestly I had no idea what was in store for me. I felt I was sleeping and I was resting. Now I wish I could do it all over again, and sleep more and rest more! For those of you with a toddler or small child with you, do you remember when play dates were all about talking about how exhausted you were, and how you weren't sleeping, and how you forget to eat? This is all while you sat on blankets in the park or sat in a room with a mommy group with all of your pastel baby blankets spread out on the floor and as you all sat facing each other; the babies were laying contently on their backs cooing at you, not even realizing each other were there? And even though you may have had things that were seemingly overwhelming to discuss amongst each other, you still felt comfort in having these adults to talk to. It was a sense of comfort and relaxing to finally get dressed and leave your home for some social time.

Now... when I think "play dates," I'm exhausted even thinking of the term. My son, Elijah, is so far from laying on his back cooing at me, I think I've almost forgot that it was even possible at one point. Let me explain a play date at the park for you... As we approach the meeting place Eli is practically falling out of the stroller with excitement. This is actually rewarding because at least he enjoys where we're going! We get the blankets laid out and put the babies down. Not but 30 secs of him touching the ground and he's crawling around exploring. He'll find every one's diaper bag and attempt to go through it. You've got food and you're trying to feed your child a snack? Well he's on top of it before you can get the snack out of the baggy, he's almost begging to receive a snack too as if I don't feed him or as if I didn't bring his own snacks. After that, he becomes bored with blanket time and he's off to the grass, the sticks and the dirt. Conversations about overwhelming things? Forget it, I'm showing you proof! There is no conversations with myself involved, they are broken up sentences as I chase my 1 year old around the park. 

It's absolutely exhausting.  

I stop and think, why is he the only one acting like this? All of the other children are sitting quietly and all of the other Mom's are indulged in conversations about husbands, diaper genies, and what everyone does for dinnertime. Did I do something wrong? Do I just have a hyperactive kid? Some people tell me that he's just intelligent and that he's a thinker, and that his exploring is a good thing. As much as I agree, will it ever subside a little or is this how it's going to be? How can I stimulate him so that he feels like he's getting the most of his day. And lastly, where are the Mom's who have a child with similar temperament?

All of this has lead me to the question, would part-time daycare benefit Elijah? Give him structure, give him stimulation, socialization and direction. Yes, he's only 1... but already I find myself thinking 1 years old going on 5.

Life with a One Year Old

I do a lot of thinking whether it be in the shower, driving or watching Elijah play in the sandbox and often times it stays on my mind for a while until I work through it. Over the past year and a half my thoughts have been mostly geared towards Mommyhood. Am I making the right decisions? Sleep issues, Eating issues, fussy issues, organic questions, should I do it this way or that way? Sometimes I Facebook my thoughts to see how people respond and other times I personally email, text or call close friends to get their advice. Either way it's a toss up to if I feel like I've found closure to the issues or concerns I may be having. I figured keeping a blog could be a good way to release some of those feelings, and maybe even discover my own conclusion. Please feel free to comment and/or offer any advice or supportive words to any post.

Join me! Become a follower! These are all the intimate, true feelings of my day to day life with Elijah, my family, my world.