Boundaries - Testing Them Has Gone Far Enough

We expect all children to test their boundaries, they wouldn't be human if they didn't. A small part of me feels a little relieved though when watching them hold their own, and questioning what is right and wrong. It makes me feel like I'm raising a strong individual who isn't going to back down when they have an opinion about something. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm confusing that "strong individual" with a stubborn, tests all limits individual who could find himself in trouble as he progresses through school... Let me explain.

Everyone told me "watch out for the terrible twos," and the "thundering threes," but don't worry the fours, they are glorious. They are old enough to understand, you are able to reason with them, it's much easier. My four year old? He's able to understand alright, and he uses that understanding to try to manipulate you. Even though he knows right from wrong and yes you are able to reason with him most times, it doesn't mean he doesn't try to get away with things. At home, we are constantly taking things away or using time-outs. I had started to wonder though, is he ever going to realize that we aren't going to back off? I just don't know, and it's exhausting.

We have wondered into a new era where I have little control, school. We have been getting reports of behaviors at school. They are the same things we see at home. The testing, seeing what he can get away with, the defiance. Now, it's my opinion but it's one thing to act a certain way at home, and it's a whole other problem to act out with others (especially people of authority) because then we venture into the disrespect zone. Here's what we've been getting told from his teachers:

• He has a hard time following directions and has to be told more than once to do or not do something.
• He pouts if he doesn't get his way.
• Has a difficult time sharing.
• Is bossy during play.

Now, I understand most of this is all kids, but the first bullet point is what worries me. It mostly worries me because I know it's a choice he's making, it's not like he doesn't understand. I know this because after the first bad report from school came back and his toys were taken away, the next day they raved about how amazing he was, and what an awesome listener he was being. All he did was turn on the charm to get what he wanted. That lasted about a week until...

Today:

• His response when asked to follow a direction was "I don't want to." and
• He called another child "Stupid."

Ohhhh, I was livid. I feel at a loss. First of all, "I don't want to????" Since when is that EVER a response to someone telling you to do something? And "Stupid?" He has NEVER used that word around me not even on accident. Who is this kid? My fear is that he's "that kid," in the classroom and I'm not ok with it. So today, I took away his entire playroom, and all surrounding toys. In the past when something is taken away, he can earn it back with good behavior. However, I'm seeing a manipulative trend with that. He'll behave amazingly when he gets something out of it, i.e. a toy back, or a special reward. This was proven today when he asked, "So tomorrow, when I'm a good boy at school do I get my toys back?" Uggggghhhh! He's just too smart! I decided that his toys remain put away until Friday evening. If he has a good day at school then GREAT! He will get a ton of praise, but his toys will stay. If he has a bad day again the toys stay put away and we'll add a day.

Who knows if this is the right way to handle it. We all have to choose what is best for our individual children, which is so hard because it's really trial and error. How they will learn lessons, and realize that all of their actions have consequences good and bad. I don't want him to decide to have a good day at school because he thinks he's going to get something out of it. I want him to have a good day at school because good behavior is expected and how he gets treated by his teachers, peers, and everyone else, as well as what he's thought of as a person is the "reward."

Some of you may be feeling like I'm over thinking this, or that he's only four so I'm being harsh. I just feel like if I lighten up, we'll forever have problems in school and he'll always feel it is ok to question authority. I just hope I can find what works, what motivates him, and what teaches him. The reality is that he's going to have a bunch of different teachers growing up. Some will be strict and some will be lenient. I feel like he (as well as all children) should be able to stay neutral and adapt to any one of them.

He did seem to feel remorse which is a good sign. The look on his face when he realized he wouldn't just have to be a good boy for the toys was priceless. The constant rants of "I'm bored," "What am I supposed to do?" "This isn't fair," helped me feel better about my decision. This isn't fair though? It's really only not fair to me! Taking away his toys meant that I was stuck all afternoon with the whining, turning in circles, making noise because he was bored. I was feeling like I was going to go crazy. I was punished more than he was!!!

Does anyone else have a child they are having similar issues with? If so, how did you handle it? What worked best for you?

I Feel Your Baldness!

Ah, it is that time again in a new Mama's life. I remember it all so clearly...

Your baby has moved out of that sleep all day without much interaction with anyone or anything phase into an energetic and alert baby; making eye contact and squealing with joy at the cutest things. She's four months old, and all of those sleepless nights and cranky late afternoons are starting to feel more bearable when you look at your precious baby who's looking back at you and flashes a huge gum filled smile. You probably haven't lost all of the baby weight yet, or maybe you have but either way you're able to wear a bigger selection of clothes. Which for me is amazing not having to rotate those same yoga pants and maternity shirts. If you're breastfeeding, by now you've pretty much got a handle on it and you're feeling confident with the feeding schedule you and your baby have.

She's four months old. Things are beginning to look up. Things are beginning to feel back to normal, your body and your mind. Then you wake up in the morning wash your face and pull your hair up into a ponytail and as you're staring at your reflection in the mirror your jaw drops. Everything is not back to normal, in fact, you've now encountered a new post pregnancy issue to deal

with. You can't believe it but...yup, you're hairline is definitely rocking a receding look. As a busy Mom, pulling your hair back is usually a must but now you're feeling insecure. It's certainly frustrating to me not being able to pull my hair back in confidence. Not only that, but your shower drain is severely clogged due to the amount of hair that's falling out in every shower, and it's becoming astonishing the amount of hair left in your brush while combing your hair. It's terrible, but all normal and a part of this amazing journey called being a Mom. 

While you're pregnant most of us remember the longer, thicker hair we endure due to increased levels of estrogen. This is because the estrogen levels are causing less hair to fall out on a regular basis. So guess what happens when you're no longer producing those estrogen levels? You make up for lost time of course! Your estrogen levels plummet and you lose more hair on an every day basis. Great, right? 

How I've dealt with this is simple. I wish I could do more, but I can only do what I can to bandaid this problem. So I end up wearing a low loose pony or bun instead of pulling hair back tight and it will allow you to cover the bald spots a bit. Also, I have bangs that I was growing out so I just style those to be left forward lining my face, which also covers those spots. Other days, well who cares if I look like I'm balding it's all part of the process and sometimes I just have to get the hair out of my face! I suppose getting a whole new cut with more styling focused around your face would also be helpful, but I'm personally not ready to dive into the Mom bob quite yet. I do know from experience that this doesn't last forever. You're hair will grow back once everything balances out a bit. Your hair and it's pre-preggo thickness will come back in the next few months, and then you get to deal with the short whispies that then begin to line your face while your hair grows back, which is also fun. If you're reading this and can relate just know from one bald Mama to another, I feel your baldness!

Rekindling a Relationship with an Old Love

Being a Mom is the most important role you can have. It's challenging, but rewarding and can be exhausting. You are responsible for caring for, protecting and teaching life lessons to these small innocent humans. It will take up your entire day, and when the kids go to bed you are also more than ready to head to bed yourself. It doesn't matter if you're a working Mom or a stay-at-home Mom, it requires the same hard work. Whichever Mom you are, I feel it's important to try and commit some of the day to your personal time. It's hard, but it's so important. Sometimes we dive so deeply into motherhood we forget about ourselves, which makes us all wonderful mothers, but we are important too. Depending on your situation will determine how much time you can commit to yourself but whether it's reading a chapter in your favorite book before bed, having a cup of coffee before the kids wake up, a fitness activity, or even committing to a hobby, it's all important.

I played basketball from when I was about 8 years old all the way through college. Basketball was my thing, it defined me. It helped me through tough times and it was always an outlet for me. After college, in my free time I would head to a court somewhere and either play pick up or shoot around. About 6 years ago some things changed in my life and shortly after that I became a Mama and so playing basketball was the first activity to go. I always wanted to get back into it but I couldn't find the time, especially after having babies. I missed playing, I missed everything about it; the exercise, the friendships, the excitement. I love being a Mom and I love that I'm given the opportunity to stay home with my little ones but I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something, and that I wasn't involved in anything else besides the every day of Motherhood. Thirty years old, two kids, and extremely out of shape, I made a decision that I wanted to rekindle my relationship with an old love, hoop. I reached out to some old teammates and Facebook, looking for somewhere I could play. I lucked out and joined a team in a women's league in Oakland which is about 30 minutes away for me. It's not the most convenient circumstance, but I'm making it work. We've only played together a few times, and to be honest, I stink! I felt like my feet were cement blocks and I was running in quick sand, it was pretty terrible. But it's ok because I'm having fun. To me, it's worth the drive, it's worth the effort and it feels good to play again, even if I'm not at my best. 

I have to say my teammates are amazing. If they only knew how much support they are providing for me and how they are keeping me motivated and committed. None of them have kids and yet they are so flexible with me. I've had to take Liliana to a practice late at night where one of us had to sit out to be with her while the others played, and I had to bring both of them to a game. All of them are better players than I right now and sometimes I feel like I slow them down, but they are patient with me. Joel is also my biggest supporter, he's there for me 100% and I'm so grateful he's behind me so I can pursue things that are important to me even if it means he has to pick up the slack. I am fortunate for this opportunity and I'm glad I decided to put myself back out there. This is only the beginning. Just because you're a Mama doesn't mean you can't participate in activities you love. It's liberating and it feels pretty damn amazing to be doing something I've always and still love doing all while involving my family in it. 

"It's not about 'having time' it's about MAKING time."

"Threenager" "Thundering Threes" "Monsters"

Everyone warns you about the Terrible Twos, but no one prepares you for the Thundering Threes and everyone encourages that the Four's are glorious. Well when you mix the Threenager with adapting to a new way of life aka welcoming a baby sister, you've encountered a deadly combination, and I cannot wait for these Fours that are supposed to be glorious. We are currently in the middle of what seems to be a day to day battle. Many times I look down at my sweet, kind, well behaved child and I'm thinking, "who the hell are you??" I'm grateful that he hasn't taken his new found frustration with having to share attention at home out on his sister, but I find myself struggling with how to deal with these new behaviors that he's decided to take on full force. I'm told that this is all normal and that every parent with small children goes through it, but that doesn't exactly help with how to deal with it. He can be rude, disrespective, argumentative, and his tantrums went from crying to full blown kicking, screaming and talking back. He doesn't do things the first time you ask him to, and when you tell him to not do something he looks you straight in the eye and does it again. It's almost as if to say, and what are you going to do about it? Now, I have a 7 week old, and we all know what comes with that. I'm up at night, I'm nursing her what feels like all day long, she cries for periods of time when I'm not sure what's wrong so I can't soothe her, I'm trying to keep dinner on the table without getting take out, and trying to do my best with keeping our home somewhat clean. So, my energy is low and my patience is damn near non-existent when my preschooler simply just isn't cleaning up his toys, or threw a kicking and screaming tantrum because he didn't get to choose the color cup he wanted for dinner. Or even when I tell him not to play with his food and he's looking back at me straight in the eye and playing airplane with his fork. I know being consistent is key, and it's hard when you have one child, so having a newborn on top of that sometimes feels almost impossible. All I know is that I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I know this because when the clock hits about 8pm, I'm exhausted. I feel like he's constantly in time-outs, that I've taken every toy possible away from him and I've even not taken him some place we're all packed to go to because he acted out. But that doesn't change

his behavior the following day. I can take a toy away and he'll end up giving in and doing what I've asked him to do but that doesn't mean the next day he won't protest again. He manipulates and acts out when I'm nursing the baby because he know's he's caught me in a weak state when I can't jump up and get to him quickly. He takes advantage of me because he senses how tired I am and that the once strict parent I once was is more lenient and lets things slide. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I recognize when I'm slacking and not being consistent and I'm putting every ounce of energy into trying to stay on top of that. I feel like the day of the glorious Fours is approaching quickly and I'm not convinced ours are going to be glorious at this point. I look at him sometimes and feel guilty because he can become such a monster in the split of a second and I don't know who my kid is anymore. I wish I had the answer, and I wish I knew that my efforts are going to be rewarded some day. But I don't know that right now. I don't know what's in the future or how well behaved of a child he's going to be. All I know is it all comes back to parenting. The weight is all on my shoulders, and sometimes that weight feels like it's burying me. I hope those glorious days are coming soon so that my next post can be an encouraging one with some answers for anyone else in the same position as I am. If you are with me already, and this post describes your home too then all I have for you right now, is that you're not alone. That large glass of wine you look forward to at the end of the day when your kids are asleep that you never even get to enjoy because you're so tired from arguing with a preschooler and feeling like every choice you make is challenged by that preschooler, I'm there too.

To work or not to work

Lets face it, daycare's and preschools can put a hole in a parents pocket pretty quickly. You almost trick yourself and when you are presented with the weekly numbers you think, "well that's not too much." But then you receive your tax documents and when you look at the amount listed under paid to date it will blow you away with how much you are paying in childcare for that year. 

As a personal choice I decided to stay home with Elijah for about a year and a half after he was born but after a year I was beginning to feel a little stir crazy. All of my friends were working and the Mommy friends I had met had returned to work. I was left feeling a little lonely. Elijah was showing more of his social side and so I felt that maybe part time daycare would be good for him and good for me. I found a job working with special needs children as a behavior therapist, and then later found a job at a preschool with the local school district. I loved it! I was so intrigued by the job and always wanted to learn more, and still do. I wanted to be able to pursue this field as my career and continue to advance up the ladder to higher positions. Unfortunately, it turns out with only a Bachelors degree in this field the ladder ends abruptly, in fact, there isn't actually one to climb and you're making mediocre salary.  

Then I became pregnant with Liliana, and as I began my maternity leave I was faced with the dilemma of either returning to work or to not return after she was born. The facts were simple. My wages were only enough to pay for Elijah's preschool tuition, and I couldn't advance in the field unless I go back to school for a Masters or Teaching Credential, which lets face it again, is outrageously expensive. I personally feel preschool is important once a child turns 3 and with Elijah being 3 1/2 I wanted to keep him enrolled. However, returning to work meant Liliana would have to go to daycare which would mean we would have to pull the money to pay for that out of somewhere else. 

In the end I chose to stay home and not return to work. I chose to keep Elijah enrolled in preschool because I feel like he's thriving there in more ways then one. It just means living expenses are a little tighter so that he is able to go. It means I am able to stay at home and bond with Liliana the same way I bonded with Elijah. It also means I give up a job I have a passion for. When I weighed them out, raising my kids outweighed that job and I'm ok with that, I had to be. Being a mom means sacrificing yourself at times and this was something I was willing to sacrifice. 

I sent my letter of resignation off today as my maternity leave has come to an end. It was bitter sweet. I'm going to miss the friendships I made and I'm most definitely going to miss the kids and the job. Hopefully some day in the future I will be able to work with them in this field again. Until then, I look forward to spending my days with these little loves, and remember that I'm blessed to be able to.

  

Strength. Courage. Wisdom. Forever our Guardian Angel.

My Grandma...

"What a Beautiful Life we Could Have..." What a beautiful life we did have and it was all thanks to the most special woman in not only my life but that of my entire family's and every other person my Grandmother's path crossed. 

For over 10 years, she was at all of my games, sitting front row cheering us on, yelling at the refs, and bringing her speciality foods to our team potlucks, holding it down as my support system, and my biggest fan. One game in particular we always laughed about, but in the moment it was scary and I felt guilty for a long time. It was raining, and we were extremely late for one of my games. When we arrived I ran in to meet up with my team when I realized that through all of the rushing I had forgotten my shoes. It was literally minutes before game time, and she insisted to run back home and pick them up. On her way back, partly because of the rain and partly because I'm sure she was rushing, but either way she got into a car accident. She spun out on the freeway and damaged her car but she wasn't hurt. The reality sunk in for me, and it took a long time for me to get over the fact that she could have gotten hurt, and it would have been all my fault. It just showed a small part of her selflessness and her willingness to always be helping someone. She was known to all of my teammates on every team I was ever on as "Grandma" and she literally stole our hearts, bringing laughter and warmth to us all. 

When I think back to some of my memories, there's so many. To list them all, the list would go on and on for forever. I remember spending time at the family restaurant "Mom's" that she owned and was known to most of us as our second home. I remember having to go there at the beginning of my Mom's work shift and having Grandma take my brother and I home which usually resulted in a pit stop to a local frozen yogurt spot before we reached home. 

I remember Holidays and all of us piling into her house on the mesa, and the value of family I pulled from watching her with the members of my family and friends. I remember laughing so hard it making us all cry due to her wittiness and her ability to make any situation something to laugh about. I remember being able to go to her for any problem, concern, or just to talk. I remember her hugs, kisses, and the immense amount of love she shared and gave to anyone who walked into her home. I remember the way she would tease the boys about their facial hair and how she would explain to them what my Nona would do/say if she could see them. How her hearing aides would ring and everyone could hear them ringing but her. I remember the looks we would get from waitresses when we would repeat to her what they were asking by yelling the words to her so she could hear us. I remember the letters her and I would exchange when I moved away for college and the way she was able to make me laugh and feel her love just through the words on the paper. I remember her immense amount of strength and how she was able to pull through any injury or undesirable situation. I remember all of her stories, her love for my Grandpa, and her love for life in general. I mostly remember her ability to pull people close to her, I was close to her. She was my rock, our families rock. She was the reason for most of our travels, for most of our meet ups, and for most of the mutual stories between us. She loved each and every one of us full heartedly and created a special unique bond with each of us without effort, but by just being herself. 

My life has been blessed. My Grandma showed me what it means to be a selfless, strong, caring, and supportive person. She was wise, kind, loving, had a heart bigger than anyone I know and was absolutely hilarious. She was our families matriarch, the person I look up to, the person I will forever strive to be, the person who will forever be my guardian angel. 

I find myself now thinking about her and missing her...a lot. I find myself feeling guilty that I should have set more time aside finding ways to talk to her when I could no longer talk with her on the phone, and when letters became too difficult for her to keep up with. I wish I would have made a better effort to tell her in person how much she means to me, how much I love and look up to her and how much of an influence she's been to me in my life. I wish I could thank her for the love and support she gave me in sports, academics and in life in general. I can only pray that she already knew. I try to convince myself that she's in a better place and that it's ok because she is now without pain, but the bottom line is that I miss her. It saddens me that Elijah doesn't get any more time with her, and that she had to leave so early in his life. My goal is to keep her alive in our hearts and to always talk about her so that he always knows who his Nona is and the beautiful person she was. 

Her strength, her courage and her wisdom are all traits I saw in her long ago and they hold true to me still today. She is an inspiration and I will always keep her close to me, in my heart and in my soul. 

Power Struggle

As I sit here on the couch, Elijah is sitting on the floor playing with his cars and ramps finally content playing by himself. We have just finished cleaning the entire room, because he decided to dump out every bucket of loose toys he could find. I’m talking cars, blocks, crayons...if there’s loose multiples of something; he dumped it onto the middle of the floor. I had told him to choose what he wanted to play with (which he chose cars) and that everything else had to be put away. He chose to ignore me, and proceeded to not put anything away but rather try and make a larger mess. After a few times-outs for not listening and talking back, him becoming frustrated and me being pushed to my limit, the room finally got cleaned. Now he’s playing with his cars independently and without slamming them against the laptop as I type, or trying to climb over me saying “whaa oo ooing Momma” (translation “what are you doing, Momma?”). With that said, I would consider the ending to our last 20 minutes of what seemed like hell, a success.

We have been struggling with this lately. It’s becoming a power struggle between us, and whoever holds out longest wins. This all started with the infamous room of toys. I was beginning to become aggravated with cleaning that room full of toys every night after watching him purposely dump them out onto the floor. I felt like if he’s old enough to deliberately dump the toys out, then he’s old enough to put them away. That, and I was beginning to notice that I would ask him to do simple things I know he can do, and he intentionally wouldn’t do them and actually started walking away from me. I began to crack down on discipline and started attempting to follow through more; which has resulted into escalated super tantrums, crying and lots whining.  

Is he too young at 2? Am I setting my expectations too high? I really don’t believe so, but I also am not sure. I do know that if I hold out the longest between us, and am adamant that he follow my rules, he usually ends up complying in the end. This just proves to me that a command like “clean up your cars” or “come here” is an expectation I can certainly have of him. Is it more work for me? Absolutely! It’s exhausting! I have to ask him several times to do one thing. I have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t wonder away. I sometimes have to show by example what I’m asking of him. I have to take time to follow through with time outs, and most importantly I have to keep a level head. It’s a whole lot of work and not to mention a big chunk of extra time that he’s just soaking up.

Then there’s the question of disciplinary actions and what to use and what not to use and are they actually working? Time-outs at one point seemed to work well for us. Elijah sat there, genuinely looked upset that he was in trouble and would come out of time-out behaving much better. We even could threaten him with a time-out if he was beginning to behave badly. He would look at us with a sad face, droopy eyes looking down at the ground after we asked him if he wanted a time out and he’d mumble “no.” Now all of a sudden, we’re questioning the effectiveness of the time-out. He still sits there without trying to escape, but instead of looking upset he has a smile on his face. When you go back to him and explain why he was in time-out he interrupts and starts talking about something irrelevant, which obviously is him trying to distract us. If you threaten him with a time out, he now answers “yes” that he wants one. We’ve since changed the question from “do you want a time out?” to “You will get a time out if you do that again.” Either way, it just doesn’t seem like time-outs are much of a punishment to him anymore. He’s seems too young to understand the concept of taking away toys, but I have done that too, and he just moves on to something else.

The reality comes to our day to day. His attitude and tantrums haven’t gotten any better, if anything he’s testing us more and as far as he possibly can; which some days feels like he has more stamina then me. I feel like Joel and I are the blind leading the blind. We have no idea if we’re doing the right thing, we have no idea how he’ll turn out when he’s older, and we have no idea if the techniques we’re using are actually teaching him something. Often times Elijah’s 2 minute time-outs are pow-wow times for Joel and I, as we look at each other blankly and as we justify to each other that we’re doing the right thing; our Pow-wows ultimately end up in a big huge question mark.

The combination of frustration and lack of confidence is really what’s weighing us down. I suppose what we have to do is chose our disciplinary methods, stick to them like glue, be as close to 100% consistent as we can and pray that in the end Elijah turns out to be a well behaved kid. *Sigh*