Extreme Measures

I wrote over a month ago about boundaries and testing especially at school and what we were doing about it (see post here). Things have gotten better for the most part, but unfortunately we've been seeing more disrespect coming from our little opinionated small person. If he doesn't like what you have to say he will tell you. Sometimes it's smart and witty and other times it's extremely bratty. Some of the bratty things we've seen border along the lines of how children his age act sometimes and purely a disrespect for people. He will make comments like "I'm four now, I'm not three or one, I don't have to do that." Or he will continue to do something after you have told him not to do it. For instance last night: it was bedtime and he said "I'm going to go get a blanket from the playroom." I said "No, we are going to clean up the clothes on the floor first." He proceeded to walk about of the room dodging my hand in attempt to grab him. He came back in like he got one over me with a smile on his face. I took the blanket and threw it into the hallway. Is he kidding? I explained how deliberately disobeying is never ok and that he will not be getting the blanket at all. 

Then there was today. I picked him up from school and I could tell by how the teacher was standing waiting for me that she had a report for me. I always feel like I'm in trouble. Anyway, apparently he was calling other children names (such as potato head, and funny head). They aren't terrible names but the other children didn't like it so the teacher asked him to stop. He ignored her and called someone else a name. He thinks it's funny, and I've been explaining to him that when no one is laughing it's not funny. And when you're calling someone something that isn't their name and they don't think it's funny, then they probably are getting their feelings hurt as well. So the teacher took him aside and told him that he was not going to be able to participate in their motor class (PE). He put his hands on his hips and said "I'm four! I'm older than you, and I don't have to do it!" 

At this point I'm feeling defeated and feeling like I'm going to have to really crack down at home and use more tangible punishments because verbal scoldings obviously aren't working. In the car ride home we talked about how that behavior is not ok, and it's not acceptable…ever. He was crying because I really think it upsets him when I'm mad, but this feeling for him has proven to be temporary. We got home and I took extreme measures. I mentioned in the post before that I would take away the whole playroom for a period of time, or a toy here and there. But the fact that he gets it back, I don't know, it seems like he knows that and so it doesn't phase him much anymore. Respect is huge to me. And disrespect is never going to be tolerable even the slightest bit. So as we got ready for nap, I grabbed Rafael (his Ninja turtle figurine) and told him because of his behavior today and his several warnings from before he will have to throw Rafael in the trash. He lost it! It was a pretty dramatic scene here. He was crying, screaming "Momma noooo!" "I don't want to!" I simply said next time maybe you'll think about it before you talk back to your teachers, or anyone else. He cried himself to sleep. I'm here actually feeling bad for him. I know he has to learn, but still it's hard on me too. 

The Secret to Learning to Ride on 2 Wheels!

I feel like we discovered a secret. Well not really, whoever invented the balance bike discovered the secret and actually they were smarter about it, because they are making money off of this secret. Those of you with small children have probably seen or even purchased the balance bike pictured here:

If you are not familiar with this bike, it is built very similar to a regular bike however it does not have pedals. The children use their feet to make it move, like the Flintstone's car. For us, when we bought Elijah (now 4 years old) his first bike for Christmas last year, we bought a bike with training wheels like we thought we were supposed to as his first bike. As he transitioned from his tricycle to this bike, I began to notice many children on these balance bikes. I realized something. Learning to ride a two-wheeled bike is pretty difficult especially coming from a bike with training wheels. The training wheels are not level with the ground and are designed to catch the child when the bike tips. Therefore, when they are riding it the bike slightly tips back and forth because they never really are balancing on the two wheels. It becomes a clutch for them. So, when the training wheels are taken off, two wheels is even more difficult to learn because it's like they are starting over again. They become accustomed to having that clutch of the slight wobble. If a child begins with the balance bike they learn to balance first as they use their feet to move the bike and lift their feet once going fast enough. So when they attempt a regular bike with pedals, they already know how to balance and so they are only learning one extra step which is pedaling while they balance.

I looked into purchasing a balance bike which are equally or more expensive than a regular bike, so, we improvised. We used his bike by taking off the pedals and chain, creating our own balance bike. He figured out how to balance in a couple days, and within a week or so he was coming down the driveway on his "balance bike." After we felt he had gotten the hang of it, we put the pedals and chain back on. He literally took off on a two-wheel bike the first time he got on. I honestly feel that because he had the balance part of learning down already pedaling came naturally. If we had started him on a balance bike first, I definitely feel he would have been riding on two wheels even earlier. I'm confident that any child could learn this quickly. For us, the purchase of a balance bike wasn't needed, just the technique and purpose of the balance bike. He is still riding the original bike we bought, but on two wheels. And when Liliana (10 months old) is ready for a bike I'm going to do the same thing, buy her a two-wheel bike and take the pedals and chain off.

Boundaries - Testing Them Has Gone Far Enough

We expect all children to test their boundaries, they wouldn't be human if they didn't. A small part of me feels a little relieved though when watching them hold their own, and questioning what is right and wrong. It makes me feel like I'm raising a strong individual who isn't going to back down when they have an opinion about something. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm confusing that "strong individual" with a stubborn, tests all limits individual who could find himself in trouble as he progresses through school... Let me explain.

Everyone told me "watch out for the terrible twos," and the "thundering threes," but don't worry the fours, they are glorious. They are old enough to understand, you are able to reason with them, it's much easier. My four year old? He's able to understand alright, and he uses that understanding to try to manipulate you. Even though he knows right from wrong and yes you are able to reason with him most times, it doesn't mean he doesn't try to get away with things. At home, we are constantly taking things away or using time-outs. I had started to wonder though, is he ever going to realize that we aren't going to back off? I just don't know, and it's exhausting.

We have wondered into a new era where I have little control, school. We have been getting reports of behaviors at school. They are the same things we see at home. The testing, seeing what he can get away with, the defiance. Now, it's my opinion but it's one thing to act a certain way at home, and it's a whole other problem to act out with others (especially people of authority) because then we venture into the disrespect zone. Here's what we've been getting told from his teachers:

• He has a hard time following directions and has to be told more than once to do or not do something.
• He pouts if he doesn't get his way.
• Has a difficult time sharing.
• Is bossy during play.

Now, I understand most of this is all kids, but the first bullet point is what worries me. It mostly worries me because I know it's a choice he's making, it's not like he doesn't understand. I know this because after the first bad report from school came back and his toys were taken away, the next day they raved about how amazing he was, and what an awesome listener he was being. All he did was turn on the charm to get what he wanted. That lasted about a week until...

Today:

• His response when asked to follow a direction was "I don't want to." and
• He called another child "Stupid."

Ohhhh, I was livid. I feel at a loss. First of all, "I don't want to????" Since when is that EVER a response to someone telling you to do something? And "Stupid?" He has NEVER used that word around me not even on accident. Who is this kid? My fear is that he's "that kid," in the classroom and I'm not ok with it. So today, I took away his entire playroom, and all surrounding toys. In the past when something is taken away, he can earn it back with good behavior. However, I'm seeing a manipulative trend with that. He'll behave amazingly when he gets something out of it, i.e. a toy back, or a special reward. This was proven today when he asked, "So tomorrow, when I'm a good boy at school do I get my toys back?" Uggggghhhh! He's just too smart! I decided that his toys remain put away until Friday evening. If he has a good day at school then GREAT! He will get a ton of praise, but his toys will stay. If he has a bad day again the toys stay put away and we'll add a day.

Who knows if this is the right way to handle it. We all have to choose what is best for our individual children, which is so hard because it's really trial and error. How they will learn lessons, and realize that all of their actions have consequences good and bad. I don't want him to decide to have a good day at school because he thinks he's going to get something out of it. I want him to have a good day at school because good behavior is expected and how he gets treated by his teachers, peers, and everyone else, as well as what he's thought of as a person is the "reward."

Some of you may be feeling like I'm over thinking this, or that he's only four so I'm being harsh. I just feel like if I lighten up, we'll forever have problems in school and he'll always feel it is ok to question authority. I just hope I can find what works, what motivates him, and what teaches him. The reality is that he's going to have a bunch of different teachers growing up. Some will be strict and some will be lenient. I feel like he (as well as all children) should be able to stay neutral and adapt to any one of them.

He did seem to feel remorse which is a good sign. The look on his face when he realized he wouldn't just have to be a good boy for the toys was priceless. The constant rants of "I'm bored," "What am I supposed to do?" "This isn't fair," helped me feel better about my decision. This isn't fair though? It's really only not fair to me! Taking away his toys meant that I was stuck all afternoon with the whining, turning in circles, making noise because he was bored. I was feeling like I was going to go crazy. I was punished more than he was!!!

Does anyone else have a child they are having similar issues with? If so, how did you handle it? What worked best for you?

I Feel Your Baldness!

Ah, it is that time again in a new Mama's life. I remember it all so clearly...

Your baby has moved out of that sleep all day without much interaction with anyone or anything phase into an energetic and alert baby; making eye contact and squealing with joy at the cutest things. She's four months old, and all of those sleepless nights and cranky late afternoons are starting to feel more bearable when you look at your precious baby who's looking back at you and flashes a huge gum filled smile. You probably haven't lost all of the baby weight yet, or maybe you have but either way you're able to wear a bigger selection of clothes. Which for me is amazing not having to rotate those same yoga pants and maternity shirts. If you're breastfeeding, by now you've pretty much got a handle on it and you're feeling confident with the feeding schedule you and your baby have.

She's four months old. Things are beginning to look up. Things are beginning to feel back to normal, your body and your mind. Then you wake up in the morning wash your face and pull your hair up into a ponytail and as you're staring at your reflection in the mirror your jaw drops. Everything is not back to normal, in fact, you've now encountered a new post pregnancy issue to deal

with. You can't believe it but...yup, you're hairline is definitely rocking a receding look. As a busy Mom, pulling your hair back is usually a must but now you're feeling insecure. It's certainly frustrating to me not being able to pull my hair back in confidence. Not only that, but your shower drain is severely clogged due to the amount of hair that's falling out in every shower, and it's becoming astonishing the amount of hair left in your brush while combing your hair. It's terrible, but all normal and a part of this amazing journey called being a Mom. 

While you're pregnant most of us remember the longer, thicker hair we endure due to increased levels of estrogen. This is because the estrogen levels are causing less hair to fall out on a regular basis. So guess what happens when you're no longer producing those estrogen levels? You make up for lost time of course! Your estrogen levels plummet and you lose more hair on an every day basis. Great, right? 

How I've dealt with this is simple. I wish I could do more, but I can only do what I can to bandaid this problem. So I end up wearing a low loose pony or bun instead of pulling hair back tight and it will allow you to cover the bald spots a bit. Also, I have bangs that I was growing out so I just style those to be left forward lining my face, which also covers those spots. Other days, well who cares if I look like I'm balding it's all part of the process and sometimes I just have to get the hair out of my face! I suppose getting a whole new cut with more styling focused around your face would also be helpful, but I'm personally not ready to dive into the Mom bob quite yet. I do know from experience that this doesn't last forever. You're hair will grow back once everything balances out a bit. Your hair and it's pre-preggo thickness will come back in the next few months, and then you get to deal with the short whispies that then begin to line your face while your hair grows back, which is also fun. If you're reading this and can relate just know from one bald Mama to another, I feel your baldness!

Rekindling a Relationship with an Old Love

Being a Mom is the most important role you can have. It's challenging, but rewarding and can be exhausting. You are responsible for caring for, protecting and teaching life lessons to these small innocent humans. It will take up your entire day, and when the kids go to bed you are also more than ready to head to bed yourself. It doesn't matter if you're a working Mom or a stay-at-home Mom, it requires the same hard work. Whichever Mom you are, I feel it's important to try and commit some of the day to your personal time. It's hard, but it's so important. Sometimes we dive so deeply into motherhood we forget about ourselves, which makes us all wonderful mothers, but we are important too. Depending on your situation will determine how much time you can commit to yourself but whether it's reading a chapter in your favorite book before bed, having a cup of coffee before the kids wake up, a fitness activity, or even committing to a hobby, it's all important.

I played basketball from when I was about 8 years old all the way through college. Basketball was my thing, it defined me. It helped me through tough times and it was always an outlet for me. After college, in my free time I would head to a court somewhere and either play pick up or shoot around. About 6 years ago some things changed in my life and shortly after that I became a Mama and so playing basketball was the first activity to go. I always wanted to get back into it but I couldn't find the time, especially after having babies. I missed playing, I missed everything about it; the exercise, the friendships, the excitement. I love being a Mom and I love that I'm given the opportunity to stay home with my little ones but I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something, and that I wasn't involved in anything else besides the every day of Motherhood. Thirty years old, two kids, and extremely out of shape, I made a decision that I wanted to rekindle my relationship with an old love, hoop. I reached out to some old teammates and Facebook, looking for somewhere I could play. I lucked out and joined a team in a women's league in Oakland which is about 30 minutes away for me. It's not the most convenient circumstance, but I'm making it work. We've only played together a few times, and to be honest, I stink! I felt like my feet were cement blocks and I was running in quick sand, it was pretty terrible. But it's ok because I'm having fun. To me, it's worth the drive, it's worth the effort and it feels good to play again, even if I'm not at my best. 

I have to say my teammates are amazing. If they only knew how much support they are providing for me and how they are keeping me motivated and committed. None of them have kids and yet they are so flexible with me. I've had to take Liliana to a practice late at night where one of us had to sit out to be with her while the others played, and I had to bring both of them to a game. All of them are better players than I right now and sometimes I feel like I slow them down, but they are patient with me. Joel is also my biggest supporter, he's there for me 100% and I'm so grateful he's behind me so I can pursue things that are important to me even if it means he has to pick up the slack. I am fortunate for this opportunity and I'm glad I decided to put myself back out there. This is only the beginning. Just because you're a Mama doesn't mean you can't participate in activities you love. It's liberating and it feels pretty damn amazing to be doing something I've always and still love doing all while involving my family in it. 

"It's not about 'having time' it's about MAKING time."

"Threenager" "Thundering Threes" "Monsters"

Everyone warns you about the Terrible Twos, but no one prepares you for the Thundering Threes and everyone encourages that the Four's are glorious. Well when you mix the Threenager with adapting to a new way of life aka welcoming a baby sister, you've encountered a deadly combination, and I cannot wait for these Fours that are supposed to be glorious. We are currently in the middle of what seems to be a day to day battle. Many times I look down at my sweet, kind, well behaved child and I'm thinking, "who the hell are you??" I'm grateful that he hasn't taken his new found frustration with having to share attention at home out on his sister, but I find myself struggling with how to deal with these new behaviors that he's decided to take on full force. I'm told that this is all normal and that every parent with small children goes through it, but that doesn't exactly help with how to deal with it. He can be rude, disrespective, argumentative, and his tantrums went from crying to full blown kicking, screaming and talking back. He doesn't do things the first time you ask him to, and when you tell him to not do something he looks you straight in the eye and does it again. It's almost as if to say, and what are you going to do about it? Now, I have a 7 week old, and we all know what comes with that. I'm up at night, I'm nursing her what feels like all day long, she cries for periods of time when I'm not sure what's wrong so I can't soothe her, I'm trying to keep dinner on the table without getting take out, and trying to do my best with keeping our home somewhat clean. So, my energy is low and my patience is damn near non-existent when my preschooler simply just isn't cleaning up his toys, or threw a kicking and screaming tantrum because he didn't get to choose the color cup he wanted for dinner. Or even when I tell him not to play with his food and he's looking back at me straight in the eye and playing airplane with his fork. I know being consistent is key, and it's hard when you have one child, so having a newborn on top of that sometimes feels almost impossible. All I know is that I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I know this because when the clock hits about 8pm, I'm exhausted. I feel like he's constantly in time-outs, that I've taken every toy possible away from him and I've even not taken him some place we're all packed to go to because he acted out. But that doesn't change

his behavior the following day. I can take a toy away and he'll end up giving in and doing what I've asked him to do but that doesn't mean the next day he won't protest again. He manipulates and acts out when I'm nursing the baby because he know's he's caught me in a weak state when I can't jump up and get to him quickly. He takes advantage of me because he senses how tired I am and that the once strict parent I once was is more lenient and lets things slide. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I recognize when I'm slacking and not being consistent and I'm putting every ounce of energy into trying to stay on top of that. I feel like the day of the glorious Fours is approaching quickly and I'm not convinced ours are going to be glorious at this point. I look at him sometimes and feel guilty because he can become such a monster in the split of a second and I don't know who my kid is anymore. I wish I had the answer, and I wish I knew that my efforts are going to be rewarded some day. But I don't know that right now. I don't know what's in the future or how well behaved of a child he's going to be. All I know is it all comes back to parenting. The weight is all on my shoulders, and sometimes that weight feels like it's burying me. I hope those glorious days are coming soon so that my next post can be an encouraging one with some answers for anyone else in the same position as I am. If you are with me already, and this post describes your home too then all I have for you right now, is that you're not alone. That large glass of wine you look forward to at the end of the day when your kids are asleep that you never even get to enjoy because you're so tired from arguing with a preschooler and feeling like every choice you make is challenged by that preschooler, I'm there too.

To work or not to work

Lets face it, daycare's and preschools can put a hole in a parents pocket pretty quickly. You almost trick yourself and when you are presented with the weekly numbers you think, "well that's not too much." But then you receive your tax documents and when you look at the amount listed under paid to date it will blow you away with how much you are paying in childcare for that year. 

As a personal choice I decided to stay home with Elijah for about a year and a half after he was born but after a year I was beginning to feel a little stir crazy. All of my friends were working and the Mommy friends I had met had returned to work. I was left feeling a little lonely. Elijah was showing more of his social side and so I felt that maybe part time daycare would be good for him and good for me. I found a job working with special needs children as a behavior therapist, and then later found a job at a preschool with the local school district. I loved it! I was so intrigued by the job and always wanted to learn more, and still do. I wanted to be able to pursue this field as my career and continue to advance up the ladder to higher positions. Unfortunately, it turns out with only a Bachelors degree in this field the ladder ends abruptly, in fact, there isn't actually one to climb and you're making mediocre salary.  

Then I became pregnant with Liliana, and as I began my maternity leave I was faced with the dilemma of either returning to work or to not return after she was born. The facts were simple. My wages were only enough to pay for Elijah's preschool tuition, and I couldn't advance in the field unless I go back to school for a Masters or Teaching Credential, which lets face it again, is outrageously expensive. I personally feel preschool is important once a child turns 3 and with Elijah being 3 1/2 I wanted to keep him enrolled. However, returning to work meant Liliana would have to go to daycare which would mean we would have to pull the money to pay for that out of somewhere else. 

In the end I chose to stay home and not return to work. I chose to keep Elijah enrolled in preschool because I feel like he's thriving there in more ways then one. It just means living expenses are a little tighter so that he is able to go. It means I am able to stay at home and bond with Liliana the same way I bonded with Elijah. It also means I give up a job I have a passion for. When I weighed them out, raising my kids outweighed that job and I'm ok with that, I had to be. Being a mom means sacrificing yourself at times and this was something I was willing to sacrifice. 

I sent my letter of resignation off today as my maternity leave has come to an end. It was bitter sweet. I'm going to miss the friendships I made and I'm most definitely going to miss the kids and the job. Hopefully some day in the future I will be able to work with them in this field again. Until then, I look forward to spending my days with these little loves, and remember that I'm blessed to be able to.