Boundaries - Testing Them Has Gone Far Enough

We expect all children to test their boundaries, they wouldn't be human if they didn't. A small part of me feels a little relieved though when watching them hold their own, and questioning what is right and wrong. It makes me feel like I'm raising a strong individual who isn't going to back down when they have an opinion about something. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm confusing that "strong individual" with a stubborn, tests all limits individual who could find himself in trouble as he progresses through school... Let me explain.

Everyone told me "watch out for the terrible twos," and the "thundering threes," but don't worry the fours, they are glorious. They are old enough to understand, you are able to reason with them, it's much easier. My four year old? He's able to understand alright, and he uses that understanding to try to manipulate you. Even though he knows right from wrong and yes you are able to reason with him most times, it doesn't mean he doesn't try to get away with things. At home, we are constantly taking things away or using time-outs. I had started to wonder though, is he ever going to realize that we aren't going to back off? I just don't know, and it's exhausting.

We have wondered into a new era where I have little control, school. We have been getting reports of behaviors at school. They are the same things we see at home. The testing, seeing what he can get away with, the defiance. Now, it's my opinion but it's one thing to act a certain way at home, and it's a whole other problem to act out with others (especially people of authority) because then we venture into the disrespect zone. Here's what we've been getting told from his teachers:

• He has a hard time following directions and has to be told more than once to do or not do something.
• He pouts if he doesn't get his way.
• Has a difficult time sharing.
• Is bossy during play.

Now, I understand most of this is all kids, but the first bullet point is what worries me. It mostly worries me because I know it's a choice he's making, it's not like he doesn't understand. I know this because after the first bad report from school came back and his toys were taken away, the next day they raved about how amazing he was, and what an awesome listener he was being. All he did was turn on the charm to get what he wanted. That lasted about a week until...

Today:

• His response when asked to follow a direction was "I don't want to." and
• He called another child "Stupid."

Ohhhh, I was livid. I feel at a loss. First of all, "I don't want to????" Since when is that EVER a response to someone telling you to do something? And "Stupid?" He has NEVER used that word around me not even on accident. Who is this kid? My fear is that he's "that kid," in the classroom and I'm not ok with it. So today, I took away his entire playroom, and all surrounding toys. In the past when something is taken away, he can earn it back with good behavior. However, I'm seeing a manipulative trend with that. He'll behave amazingly when he gets something out of it, i.e. a toy back, or a special reward. This was proven today when he asked, "So tomorrow, when I'm a good boy at school do I get my toys back?" Uggggghhhh! He's just too smart! I decided that his toys remain put away until Friday evening. If he has a good day at school then GREAT! He will get a ton of praise, but his toys will stay. If he has a bad day again the toys stay put away and we'll add a day.

Who knows if this is the right way to handle it. We all have to choose what is best for our individual children, which is so hard because it's really trial and error. How they will learn lessons, and realize that all of their actions have consequences good and bad. I don't want him to decide to have a good day at school because he thinks he's going to get something out of it. I want him to have a good day at school because good behavior is expected and how he gets treated by his teachers, peers, and everyone else, as well as what he's thought of as a person is the "reward."

Some of you may be feeling like I'm over thinking this, or that he's only four so I'm being harsh. I just feel like if I lighten up, we'll forever have problems in school and he'll always feel it is ok to question authority. I just hope I can find what works, what motivates him, and what teaches him. The reality is that he's going to have a bunch of different teachers growing up. Some will be strict and some will be lenient. I feel like he (as well as all children) should be able to stay neutral and adapt to any one of them.

He did seem to feel remorse which is a good sign. The look on his face when he realized he wouldn't just have to be a good boy for the toys was priceless. The constant rants of "I'm bored," "What am I supposed to do?" "This isn't fair," helped me feel better about my decision. This isn't fair though? It's really only not fair to me! Taking away his toys meant that I was stuck all afternoon with the whining, turning in circles, making noise because he was bored. I was feeling like I was going to go crazy. I was punished more than he was!!!

Does anyone else have a child they are having similar issues with? If so, how did you handle it? What worked best for you?