Extreme Measures

I wrote over a month ago about boundaries and testing especially at school and what we were doing about it (see post here). Things have gotten better for the most part, but unfortunately we've been seeing more disrespect coming from our little opinionated small person. If he doesn't like what you have to say he will tell you. Sometimes it's smart and witty and other times it's extremely bratty. Some of the bratty things we've seen border along the lines of how children his age act sometimes and purely a disrespect for people. He will make comments like "I'm four now, I'm not three or one, I don't have to do that." Or he will continue to do something after you have told him not to do it. For instance last night: it was bedtime and he said "I'm going to go get a blanket from the playroom." I said "No, we are going to clean up the clothes on the floor first." He proceeded to walk about of the room dodging my hand in attempt to grab him. He came back in like he got one over me with a smile on his face. I took the blanket and threw it into the hallway. Is he kidding? I explained how deliberately disobeying is never ok and that he will not be getting the blanket at all. 

Then there was today. I picked him up from school and I could tell by how the teacher was standing waiting for me that she had a report for me. I always feel like I'm in trouble. Anyway, apparently he was calling other children names (such as potato head, and funny head). They aren't terrible names but the other children didn't like it so the teacher asked him to stop. He ignored her and called someone else a name. He thinks it's funny, and I've been explaining to him that when no one is laughing it's not funny. And when you're calling someone something that isn't their name and they don't think it's funny, then they probably are getting their feelings hurt as well. So the teacher took him aside and told him that he was not going to be able to participate in their motor class (PE). He put his hands on his hips and said "I'm four! I'm older than you, and I don't have to do it!" 

At this point I'm feeling defeated and feeling like I'm going to have to really crack down at home and use more tangible punishments because verbal scoldings obviously aren't working. In the car ride home we talked about how that behavior is not ok, and it's not acceptable…ever. He was crying because I really think it upsets him when I'm mad, but this feeling for him has proven to be temporary. We got home and I took extreme measures. I mentioned in the post before that I would take away the whole playroom for a period of time, or a toy here and there. But the fact that he gets it back, I don't know, it seems like he knows that and so it doesn't phase him much anymore. Respect is huge to me. And disrespect is never going to be tolerable even the slightest bit. So as we got ready for nap, I grabbed Rafael (his Ninja turtle figurine) and told him because of his behavior today and his several warnings from before he will have to throw Rafael in the trash. He lost it! It was a pretty dramatic scene here. He was crying, screaming "Momma noooo!" "I don't want to!" I simply said next time maybe you'll think about it before you talk back to your teachers, or anyone else. He cried himself to sleep. I'm here actually feeling bad for him. I know he has to learn, but still it's hard on me too. 

The Secret to Learning to Ride on 2 Wheels!

I feel like we discovered a secret. Well not really, whoever invented the balance bike discovered the secret and actually they were smarter about it, because they are making money off of this secret. Those of you with small children have probably seen or even purchased the balance bike pictured here:

If you are not familiar with this bike, it is built very similar to a regular bike however it does not have pedals. The children use their feet to make it move, like the Flintstone's car. For us, when we bought Elijah (now 4 years old) his first bike for Christmas last year, we bought a bike with training wheels like we thought we were supposed to as his first bike. As he transitioned from his tricycle to this bike, I began to notice many children on these balance bikes. I realized something. Learning to ride a two-wheeled bike is pretty difficult especially coming from a bike with training wheels. The training wheels are not level with the ground and are designed to catch the child when the bike tips. Therefore, when they are riding it the bike slightly tips back and forth because they never really are balancing on the two wheels. It becomes a clutch for them. So, when the training wheels are taken off, two wheels is even more difficult to learn because it's like they are starting over again. They become accustomed to having that clutch of the slight wobble. If a child begins with the balance bike they learn to balance first as they use their feet to move the bike and lift their feet once going fast enough. So when they attempt a regular bike with pedals, they already know how to balance and so they are only learning one extra step which is pedaling while they balance.

I looked into purchasing a balance bike which are equally or more expensive than a regular bike, so, we improvised. We used his bike by taking off the pedals and chain, creating our own balance bike. He figured out how to balance in a couple days, and within a week or so he was coming down the driveway on his "balance bike." After we felt he had gotten the hang of it, we put the pedals and chain back on. He literally took off on a two-wheel bike the first time he got on. I honestly feel that because he had the balance part of learning down already pedaling came naturally. If we had started him on a balance bike first, I definitely feel he would have been riding on two wheels even earlier. I'm confident that any child could learn this quickly. For us, the purchase of a balance bike wasn't needed, just the technique and purpose of the balance bike. He is still riding the original bike we bought, but on two wheels. And when Liliana (10 months old) is ready for a bike I'm going to do the same thing, buy her a two-wheel bike and take the pedals and chain off.

Boundaries - Testing Them Has Gone Far Enough

We expect all children to test their boundaries, they wouldn't be human if they didn't. A small part of me feels a little relieved though when watching them hold their own, and questioning what is right and wrong. It makes me feel like I'm raising a strong individual who isn't going to back down when they have an opinion about something. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm confusing that "strong individual" with a stubborn, tests all limits individual who could find himself in trouble as he progresses through school... Let me explain.

Everyone told me "watch out for the terrible twos," and the "thundering threes," but don't worry the fours, they are glorious. They are old enough to understand, you are able to reason with them, it's much easier. My four year old? He's able to understand alright, and he uses that understanding to try to manipulate you. Even though he knows right from wrong and yes you are able to reason with him most times, it doesn't mean he doesn't try to get away with things. At home, we are constantly taking things away or using time-outs. I had started to wonder though, is he ever going to realize that we aren't going to back off? I just don't know, and it's exhausting.

We have wondered into a new era where I have little control, school. We have been getting reports of behaviors at school. They are the same things we see at home. The testing, seeing what he can get away with, the defiance. Now, it's my opinion but it's one thing to act a certain way at home, and it's a whole other problem to act out with others (especially people of authority) because then we venture into the disrespect zone. Here's what we've been getting told from his teachers:

• He has a hard time following directions and has to be told more than once to do or not do something.
• He pouts if he doesn't get his way.
• Has a difficult time sharing.
• Is bossy during play.

Now, I understand most of this is all kids, but the first bullet point is what worries me. It mostly worries me because I know it's a choice he's making, it's not like he doesn't understand. I know this because after the first bad report from school came back and his toys were taken away, the next day they raved about how amazing he was, and what an awesome listener he was being. All he did was turn on the charm to get what he wanted. That lasted about a week until...

Today:

• His response when asked to follow a direction was "I don't want to." and
• He called another child "Stupid."

Ohhhh, I was livid. I feel at a loss. First of all, "I don't want to????" Since when is that EVER a response to someone telling you to do something? And "Stupid?" He has NEVER used that word around me not even on accident. Who is this kid? My fear is that he's "that kid," in the classroom and I'm not ok with it. So today, I took away his entire playroom, and all surrounding toys. In the past when something is taken away, he can earn it back with good behavior. However, I'm seeing a manipulative trend with that. He'll behave amazingly when he gets something out of it, i.e. a toy back, or a special reward. This was proven today when he asked, "So tomorrow, when I'm a good boy at school do I get my toys back?" Uggggghhhh! He's just too smart! I decided that his toys remain put away until Friday evening. If he has a good day at school then GREAT! He will get a ton of praise, but his toys will stay. If he has a bad day again the toys stay put away and we'll add a day.

Who knows if this is the right way to handle it. We all have to choose what is best for our individual children, which is so hard because it's really trial and error. How they will learn lessons, and realize that all of their actions have consequences good and bad. I don't want him to decide to have a good day at school because he thinks he's going to get something out of it. I want him to have a good day at school because good behavior is expected and how he gets treated by his teachers, peers, and everyone else, as well as what he's thought of as a person is the "reward."

Some of you may be feeling like I'm over thinking this, or that he's only four so I'm being harsh. I just feel like if I lighten up, we'll forever have problems in school and he'll always feel it is ok to question authority. I just hope I can find what works, what motivates him, and what teaches him. The reality is that he's going to have a bunch of different teachers growing up. Some will be strict and some will be lenient. I feel like he (as well as all children) should be able to stay neutral and adapt to any one of them.

He did seem to feel remorse which is a good sign. The look on his face when he realized he wouldn't just have to be a good boy for the toys was priceless. The constant rants of "I'm bored," "What am I supposed to do?" "This isn't fair," helped me feel better about my decision. This isn't fair though? It's really only not fair to me! Taking away his toys meant that I was stuck all afternoon with the whining, turning in circles, making noise because he was bored. I was feeling like I was going to go crazy. I was punished more than he was!!!

Does anyone else have a child they are having similar issues with? If so, how did you handle it? What worked best for you?

I Feel Your Baldness!

Ah, it is that time again in a new Mama's life. I remember it all so clearly...

Your baby has moved out of that sleep all day without much interaction with anyone or anything phase into an energetic and alert baby; making eye contact and squealing with joy at the cutest things. She's four months old, and all of those sleepless nights and cranky late afternoons are starting to feel more bearable when you look at your precious baby who's looking back at you and flashes a huge gum filled smile. You probably haven't lost all of the baby weight yet, or maybe you have but either way you're able to wear a bigger selection of clothes. Which for me is amazing not having to rotate those same yoga pants and maternity shirts. If you're breastfeeding, by now you've pretty much got a handle on it and you're feeling confident with the feeding schedule you and your baby have.

She's four months old. Things are beginning to look up. Things are beginning to feel back to normal, your body and your mind. Then you wake up in the morning wash your face and pull your hair up into a ponytail and as you're staring at your reflection in the mirror your jaw drops. Everything is not back to normal, in fact, you've now encountered a new post pregnancy issue to deal

with. You can't believe it but...yup, you're hairline is definitely rocking a receding look. As a busy Mom, pulling your hair back is usually a must but now you're feeling insecure. It's certainly frustrating to me not being able to pull my hair back in confidence. Not only that, but your shower drain is severely clogged due to the amount of hair that's falling out in every shower, and it's becoming astonishing the amount of hair left in your brush while combing your hair. It's terrible, but all normal and a part of this amazing journey called being a Mom. 

While you're pregnant most of us remember the longer, thicker hair we endure due to increased levels of estrogen. This is because the estrogen levels are causing less hair to fall out on a regular basis. So guess what happens when you're no longer producing those estrogen levels? You make up for lost time of course! Your estrogen levels plummet and you lose more hair on an every day basis. Great, right? 

How I've dealt with this is simple. I wish I could do more, but I can only do what I can to bandaid this problem. So I end up wearing a low loose pony or bun instead of pulling hair back tight and it will allow you to cover the bald spots a bit. Also, I have bangs that I was growing out so I just style those to be left forward lining my face, which also covers those spots. Other days, well who cares if I look like I'm balding it's all part of the process and sometimes I just have to get the hair out of my face! I suppose getting a whole new cut with more styling focused around your face would also be helpful, but I'm personally not ready to dive into the Mom bob quite yet. I do know from experience that this doesn't last forever. You're hair will grow back once everything balances out a bit. Your hair and it's pre-preggo thickness will come back in the next few months, and then you get to deal with the short whispies that then begin to line your face while your hair grows back, which is also fun. If you're reading this and can relate just know from one bald Mama to another, I feel your baldness!

Rekindling a Relationship with an Old Love

Being a Mom is the most important role you can have. It's challenging, but rewarding and can be exhausting. You are responsible for caring for, protecting and teaching life lessons to these small innocent humans. It will take up your entire day, and when the kids go to bed you are also more than ready to head to bed yourself. It doesn't matter if you're a working Mom or a stay-at-home Mom, it requires the same hard work. Whichever Mom you are, I feel it's important to try and commit some of the day to your personal time. It's hard, but it's so important. Sometimes we dive so deeply into motherhood we forget about ourselves, which makes us all wonderful mothers, but we are important too. Depending on your situation will determine how much time you can commit to yourself but whether it's reading a chapter in your favorite book before bed, having a cup of coffee before the kids wake up, a fitness activity, or even committing to a hobby, it's all important.

I played basketball from when I was about 8 years old all the way through college. Basketball was my thing, it defined me. It helped me through tough times and it was always an outlet for me. After college, in my free time I would head to a court somewhere and either play pick up or shoot around. About 6 years ago some things changed in my life and shortly after that I became a Mama and so playing basketball was the first activity to go. I always wanted to get back into it but I couldn't find the time, especially after having babies. I missed playing, I missed everything about it; the exercise, the friendships, the excitement. I love being a Mom and I love that I'm given the opportunity to stay home with my little ones but I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something, and that I wasn't involved in anything else besides the every day of Motherhood. Thirty years old, two kids, and extremely out of shape, I made a decision that I wanted to rekindle my relationship with an old love, hoop. I reached out to some old teammates and Facebook, looking for somewhere I could play. I lucked out and joined a team in a women's league in Oakland which is about 30 minutes away for me. It's not the most convenient circumstance, but I'm making it work. We've only played together a few times, and to be honest, I stink! I felt like my feet were cement blocks and I was running in quick sand, it was pretty terrible. But it's ok because I'm having fun. To me, it's worth the drive, it's worth the effort and it feels good to play again, even if I'm not at my best. 

I have to say my teammates are amazing. If they only knew how much support they are providing for me and how they are keeping me motivated and committed. None of them have kids and yet they are so flexible with me. I've had to take Liliana to a practice late at night where one of us had to sit out to be with her while the others played, and I had to bring both of them to a game. All of them are better players than I right now and sometimes I feel like I slow them down, but they are patient with me. Joel is also my biggest supporter, he's there for me 100% and I'm so grateful he's behind me so I can pursue things that are important to me even if it means he has to pick up the slack. I am fortunate for this opportunity and I'm glad I decided to put myself back out there. This is only the beginning. Just because you're a Mama doesn't mean you can't participate in activities you love. It's liberating and it feels pretty damn amazing to be doing something I've always and still love doing all while involving my family in it. 

"It's not about 'having time' it's about MAKING time."

"Threenager" "Thundering Threes" "Monsters"

Everyone warns you about the Terrible Twos, but no one prepares you for the Thundering Threes and everyone encourages that the Four's are glorious. Well when you mix the Threenager with adapting to a new way of life aka welcoming a baby sister, you've encountered a deadly combination, and I cannot wait for these Fours that are supposed to be glorious. We are currently in the middle of what seems to be a day to day battle. Many times I look down at my sweet, kind, well behaved child and I'm thinking, "who the hell are you??" I'm grateful that he hasn't taken his new found frustration with having to share attention at home out on his sister, but I find myself struggling with how to deal with these new behaviors that he's decided to take on full force. I'm told that this is all normal and that every parent with small children goes through it, but that doesn't exactly help with how to deal with it. He can be rude, disrespective, argumentative, and his tantrums went from crying to full blown kicking, screaming and talking back. He doesn't do things the first time you ask him to, and when you tell him to not do something he looks you straight in the eye and does it again. It's almost as if to say, and what are you going to do about it? Now, I have a 7 week old, and we all know what comes with that. I'm up at night, I'm nursing her what feels like all day long, she cries for periods of time when I'm not sure what's wrong so I can't soothe her, I'm trying to keep dinner on the table without getting take out, and trying to do my best with keeping our home somewhat clean. So, my energy is low and my patience is damn near non-existent when my preschooler simply just isn't cleaning up his toys, or threw a kicking and screaming tantrum because he didn't get to choose the color cup he wanted for dinner. Or even when I tell him not to play with his food and he's looking back at me straight in the eye and playing airplane with his fork. I know being consistent is key, and it's hard when you have one child, so having a newborn on top of that sometimes feels almost impossible. All I know is that I'm trying. I'm trying hard. I know this because when the clock hits about 8pm, I'm exhausted. I feel like he's constantly in time-outs, that I've taken every toy possible away from him and I've even not taken him some place we're all packed to go to because he acted out. But that doesn't change

his behavior the following day. I can take a toy away and he'll end up giving in and doing what I've asked him to do but that doesn't mean the next day he won't protest again. He manipulates and acts out when I'm nursing the baby because he know's he's caught me in a weak state when I can't jump up and get to him quickly. He takes advantage of me because he senses how tired I am and that the once strict parent I once was is more lenient and lets things slide. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I recognize when I'm slacking and not being consistent and I'm putting every ounce of energy into trying to stay on top of that. I feel like the day of the glorious Fours is approaching quickly and I'm not convinced ours are going to be glorious at this point. I look at him sometimes and feel guilty because he can become such a monster in the split of a second and I don't know who my kid is anymore. I wish I had the answer, and I wish I knew that my efforts are going to be rewarded some day. But I don't know that right now. I don't know what's in the future or how well behaved of a child he's going to be. All I know is it all comes back to parenting. The weight is all on my shoulders, and sometimes that weight feels like it's burying me. I hope those glorious days are coming soon so that my next post can be an encouraging one with some answers for anyone else in the same position as I am. If you are with me already, and this post describes your home too then all I have for you right now, is that you're not alone. That large glass of wine you look forward to at the end of the day when your kids are asleep that you never even get to enjoy because you're so tired from arguing with a preschooler and feeling like every choice you make is challenged by that preschooler, I'm there too.

To work or not to work

Lets face it, daycare's and preschools can put a hole in a parents pocket pretty quickly. You almost trick yourself and when you are presented with the weekly numbers you think, "well that's not too much." But then you receive your tax documents and when you look at the amount listed under paid to date it will blow you away with how much you are paying in childcare for that year. 

As a personal choice I decided to stay home with Elijah for about a year and a half after he was born but after a year I was beginning to feel a little stir crazy. All of my friends were working and the Mommy friends I had met had returned to work. I was left feeling a little lonely. Elijah was showing more of his social side and so I felt that maybe part time daycare would be good for him and good for me. I found a job working with special needs children as a behavior therapist, and then later found a job at a preschool with the local school district. I loved it! I was so intrigued by the job and always wanted to learn more, and still do. I wanted to be able to pursue this field as my career and continue to advance up the ladder to higher positions. Unfortunately, it turns out with only a Bachelors degree in this field the ladder ends abruptly, in fact, there isn't actually one to climb and you're making mediocre salary.  

Then I became pregnant with Liliana, and as I began my maternity leave I was faced with the dilemma of either returning to work or to not return after she was born. The facts were simple. My wages were only enough to pay for Elijah's preschool tuition, and I couldn't advance in the field unless I go back to school for a Masters or Teaching Credential, which lets face it again, is outrageously expensive. I personally feel preschool is important once a child turns 3 and with Elijah being 3 1/2 I wanted to keep him enrolled. However, returning to work meant Liliana would have to go to daycare which would mean we would have to pull the money to pay for that out of somewhere else. 

In the end I chose to stay home and not return to work. I chose to keep Elijah enrolled in preschool because I feel like he's thriving there in more ways then one. It just means living expenses are a little tighter so that he is able to go. It means I am able to stay at home and bond with Liliana the same way I bonded with Elijah. It also means I give up a job I have a passion for. When I weighed them out, raising my kids outweighed that job and I'm ok with that, I had to be. Being a mom means sacrificing yourself at times and this was something I was willing to sacrifice. 

I sent my letter of resignation off today as my maternity leave has come to an end. It was bitter sweet. I'm going to miss the friendships I made and I'm most definitely going to miss the kids and the job. Hopefully some day in the future I will be able to work with them in this field again. Until then, I look forward to spending my days with these little loves, and remember that I'm blessed to be able to.

  

Strength. Courage. Wisdom. Forever our Guardian Angel.

My Grandma...

"What a Beautiful Life we Could Have..." What a beautiful life we did have and it was all thanks to the most special woman in not only my life but that of my entire family's and every other person my Grandmother's path crossed. 

For over 10 years, she was at all of my games, sitting front row cheering us on, yelling at the refs, and bringing her speciality foods to our team potlucks, holding it down as my support system, and my biggest fan. One game in particular we always laughed about, but in the moment it was scary and I felt guilty for a long time. It was raining, and we were extremely late for one of my games. When we arrived I ran in to meet up with my team when I realized that through all of the rushing I had forgotten my shoes. It was literally minutes before game time, and she insisted to run back home and pick them up. On her way back, partly because of the rain and partly because I'm sure she was rushing, but either way she got into a car accident. She spun out on the freeway and damaged her car but she wasn't hurt. The reality sunk in for me, and it took a long time for me to get over the fact that she could have gotten hurt, and it would have been all my fault. It just showed a small part of her selflessness and her willingness to always be helping someone. She was known to all of my teammates on every team I was ever on as "Grandma" and she literally stole our hearts, bringing laughter and warmth to us all. 

When I think back to some of my memories, there's so many. To list them all, the list would go on and on for forever. I remember spending time at the family restaurant "Mom's" that she owned and was known to most of us as our second home. I remember having to go there at the beginning of my Mom's work shift and having Grandma take my brother and I home which usually resulted in a pit stop to a local frozen yogurt spot before we reached home. 

I remember Holidays and all of us piling into her house on the mesa, and the value of family I pulled from watching her with the members of my family and friends. I remember laughing so hard it making us all cry due to her wittiness and her ability to make any situation something to laugh about. I remember being able to go to her for any problem, concern, or just to talk. I remember her hugs, kisses, and the immense amount of love she shared and gave to anyone who walked into her home. I remember the way she would tease the boys about their facial hair and how she would explain to them what my Nona would do/say if she could see them. How her hearing aides would ring and everyone could hear them ringing but her. I remember the looks we would get from waitresses when we would repeat to her what they were asking by yelling the words to her so she could hear us. I remember the letters her and I would exchange when I moved away for college and the way she was able to make me laugh and feel her love just through the words on the paper. I remember her immense amount of strength and how she was able to pull through any injury or undesirable situation. I remember all of her stories, her love for my Grandpa, and her love for life in general. I mostly remember her ability to pull people close to her, I was close to her. She was my rock, our families rock. She was the reason for most of our travels, for most of our meet ups, and for most of the mutual stories between us. She loved each and every one of us full heartedly and created a special unique bond with each of us without effort, but by just being herself. 

My life has been blessed. My Grandma showed me what it means to be a selfless, strong, caring, and supportive person. She was wise, kind, loving, had a heart bigger than anyone I know and was absolutely hilarious. She was our families matriarch, the person I look up to, the person I will forever strive to be, the person who will forever be my guardian angel. 

I find myself now thinking about her and missing her...a lot. I find myself feeling guilty that I should have set more time aside finding ways to talk to her when I could no longer talk with her on the phone, and when letters became too difficult for her to keep up with. I wish I would have made a better effort to tell her in person how much she means to me, how much I love and look up to her and how much of an influence she's been to me in my life. I wish I could thank her for the love and support she gave me in sports, academics and in life in general. I can only pray that she already knew. I try to convince myself that she's in a better place and that it's ok because she is now without pain, but the bottom line is that I miss her. It saddens me that Elijah doesn't get any more time with her, and that she had to leave so early in his life. My goal is to keep her alive in our hearts and to always talk about her so that he always knows who his Nona is and the beautiful person she was. 

Her strength, her courage and her wisdom are all traits I saw in her long ago and they hold true to me still today. She is an inspiration and I will always keep her close to me, in my heart and in my soul. 

Power Struggle

As I sit here on the couch, Elijah is sitting on the floor playing with his cars and ramps finally content playing by himself. We have just finished cleaning the entire room, because he decided to dump out every bucket of loose toys he could find. I’m talking cars, blocks, crayons...if there’s loose multiples of something; he dumped it onto the middle of the floor. I had told him to choose what he wanted to play with (which he chose cars) and that everything else had to be put away. He chose to ignore me, and proceeded to not put anything away but rather try and make a larger mess. After a few times-outs for not listening and talking back, him becoming frustrated and me being pushed to my limit, the room finally got cleaned. Now he’s playing with his cars independently and without slamming them against the laptop as I type, or trying to climb over me saying “whaa oo ooing Momma” (translation “what are you doing, Momma?”). With that said, I would consider the ending to our last 20 minutes of what seemed like hell, a success.

We have been struggling with this lately. It’s becoming a power struggle between us, and whoever holds out longest wins. This all started with the infamous room of toys. I was beginning to become aggravated with cleaning that room full of toys every night after watching him purposely dump them out onto the floor. I felt like if he’s old enough to deliberately dump the toys out, then he’s old enough to put them away. That, and I was beginning to notice that I would ask him to do simple things I know he can do, and he intentionally wouldn’t do them and actually started walking away from me. I began to crack down on discipline and started attempting to follow through more; which has resulted into escalated super tantrums, crying and lots whining.  

Is he too young at 2? Am I setting my expectations too high? I really don’t believe so, but I also am not sure. I do know that if I hold out the longest between us, and am adamant that he follow my rules, he usually ends up complying in the end. This just proves to me that a command like “clean up your cars” or “come here” is an expectation I can certainly have of him. Is it more work for me? Absolutely! It’s exhausting! I have to ask him several times to do one thing. I have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t wonder away. I sometimes have to show by example what I’m asking of him. I have to take time to follow through with time outs, and most importantly I have to keep a level head. It’s a whole lot of work and not to mention a big chunk of extra time that he’s just soaking up.

Then there’s the question of disciplinary actions and what to use and what not to use and are they actually working? Time-outs at one point seemed to work well for us. Elijah sat there, genuinely looked upset that he was in trouble and would come out of time-out behaving much better. We even could threaten him with a time-out if he was beginning to behave badly. He would look at us with a sad face, droopy eyes looking down at the ground after we asked him if he wanted a time out and he’d mumble “no.” Now all of a sudden, we’re questioning the effectiveness of the time-out. He still sits there without trying to escape, but instead of looking upset he has a smile on his face. When you go back to him and explain why he was in time-out he interrupts and starts talking about something irrelevant, which obviously is him trying to distract us. If you threaten him with a time out, he now answers “yes” that he wants one. We’ve since changed the question from “do you want a time out?” to “You will get a time out if you do that again.” Either way, it just doesn’t seem like time-outs are much of a punishment to him anymore. He’s seems too young to understand the concept of taking away toys, but I have done that too, and he just moves on to something else.

The reality comes to our day to day. His attitude and tantrums haven’t gotten any better, if anything he’s testing us more and as far as he possibly can; which some days feels like he has more stamina then me. I feel like Joel and I are the blind leading the blind. We have no idea if we’re doing the right thing, we have no idea how he’ll turn out when he’s older, and we have no idea if the techniques we’re using are actually teaching him something. Often times Elijah’s 2 minute time-outs are pow-wow times for Joel and I, as we look at each other blankly and as we justify to each other that we’re doing the right thing; our Pow-wows ultimately end up in a big huge question mark.

The combination of frustration and lack of confidence is really what’s weighing us down. I suppose what we have to do is chose our disciplinary methods, stick to them like glue, be as close to 100% consistent as we can and pray that in the end Elijah turns out to be a well behaved kid. *Sigh*

"Terrible Twos"

Around the time Elijah was 16-18 months old we used to joke that we were already entering the "terrible twos." He had been showing some glimpses of independence, and was definitely attempting to voice his opinions. We found his tantrums a little humorous, and felt we were doing an ok job handling them. The word "entering" is definitely the key word. We had no idea that we were just scraping the surface. With June (Eli's second birthday) rapidly approaching, we are now full-fledged faced with the "terrible twos", and at the rate its going we've still got a long way to go. His tantrums are more often, less humorous and now sometimes we’re often wondering if we are in fact handling it "ok." We're using time outs as a disciplinary method which seem to be effective but there are so many times where a time out seems needed that we're not sure when in fact to actually use them, so they end up happening often. There are times when Eli just seems grumpy and for what seems like no reason at all. He's opinionated, stubborn, and selfish. He has a hard time sharing, doesn't follow directions the first time he's asked and gets upset when he doesn't get his way. He's also incredibly sweet, kind, a huge cuddle bug, and extremely funny. Although he has a hard time sharing and following directions, he will come around if told again or he’s told that he’s not being nice. When he gets upset for not getting his way, tantrums usually don’t last long and eventually he does move on. He seems genuinely sorry when he realizes he’s not being a good boy, but it doesn’t stop future tantrums from happening, nor does it put an end to the same tantrums happening over again. So, what’s the secret? How do we get them to learn a lesson for the next time, so it won’t happen again or quite as often?

We have figured out a few tricks to help get through dinner at a restaurant, or through a play date. Alternate activities and keeping him busy have been a huge success. Time outs seem to calm him down a bit so that we can at least talk to him and tell him what he's doing is not ok. But what happens when he realizes he can actually get up from a time out? Are they truly a threat to him? Does he already pick up on the idea that by getting himself put there, we’ll be nice to him when he’s done his time? Bottom line is we’re aware that most of the tantrums are simply a huge test, and we just have to find our inner patience, stick to our guns and get through it. All the while using this time to make sure to teach what acceptable behavior is and what is not. I'm not going to lie, it's exhausting! We try to be consistent, we try to follow through, and we try to make sure rules we set are always followed, even the rules we’ve set for ourselves. The hardest part is not knowing if we’re making a difference or getting through to him and fearing the unknown of how it will affect his behavior when he’s older.

I've heard age 3 is even more difficult, so I guess we're in for a long ride. I feel up for the challenge, when he turns 4 I'll let you all know how things panned out!

Never Ending Cleaning...

...Maybe there is an "end" or at the least, structure!


"The house is always a mess." "I hate spending more time cleaning, than time with my family." "I don't have time to do that." "There's always so much left to do." "I'm failing at this role as Mom..."


...These are some of the things I often say to myself. I feel like our house is always messy, and although it may be just me, regardless, it's an unsettling feeling. Who has time to clean the appliances in the kitchen, or wipe down all of the blinds, or sweep and mop the entire wood and tile floors? (which if you know our house the entire square footage is tile or hard wood) I don't feel like I have that time, but they definitely all get dirty. I certainly feel like cleaning shouldn't consume your life, but it's an important necessity, so how are other Mom's/House Wives keeping their homes so clean? Sometimes I walk into other people's homes and I think, "How do they do this? It's so clean in here!" It's a little discouraging, and makes me feel like somewhat of a failure. If other people are able to do it, why am i struggling with it? Is everyone else struggling too? Am I being too hard on myself? It's really hard for me because I in fact feel like I'm cleaning all of the time, but there's little to no reward because there's so much more that needs to be done...always.


To start, for us, we didn't merge our belongings together very efficiently when we merged our lives. If there wasn't a place for something we'd just stick it in the corner, which has been creating an outcome of clutter. So, we've put some effort in figuring out how to keep it straightened up. The secret is organization and making sure everything has a place to be put away. We are still working on some areas of the house but the places we've organized are much easier to keep straightened. We are definitely getting closer, but still have a ways to go. 


This is a great start, but how am I supposed to actually keep this place clean? Where do I find the time to clean, spend time with my son, work, and cook dinner? Is there really enough hours in the day? It seems impossible and I started to realize that I'm spending the majority of my day doing everyday chores like dishes, cleaning the kitchen counters, laundry, sweeping, straightening etc. and since those chores are done throughout the day, as well as numerous times a day, the bigger chores tend to be put off. Not only that, but I have a certain little "helper" which is GREAT, except that his idea of "helping" is actually making my job much more difficult. The chores I've put off just get worse and worse until I simply don't want to do them at all anymore. It's a losing battle and I often go to bed at night feeling unaccomplished, because that is when I start thinking about all of the areas where I "slacked off." 


It came to me one day, and now I think I've found a solution to all of this, at least for me. I'm really successful with to-do lists so I figured it would be a good start in feeling more accomplished. Also, (just a little bit of trivia) the body releases more endorphins from crossing off a completed task from a list then it does when we smile. So with these things in mind, I made a list of all the household chores that I feel need to be done. This list included tasks often forgotten about like cleaning the kitchen appliances, wiping down blinds, dusting, even washing the dogs. But also included more important tasks like mopping, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming area rugs etc. I broke them all down and created a note for each one on how often each chore should be completed based on how quickly I've noticed each gets dirty (i.e. every other day, once a week, or once a month). I then created a key for the entire month by the week, which will be my outline for continuing months if this strategy ends up being successful for me. I separated all of the chores and spread them out over the course of the week where in the end, in addition to the tasks done every day, I only need to complete one or two of these bigger tasks. I figured I could handle only completing a few tasks a day and If I'm successful I anticipated I would feel more accomplished. If I'm not successful some days (as I can guarantee will happen), I will feel less like a failure because only a couple of things were left undone, not an ongoing list of ten or more, therefore a feeling more towards a win-win. 


This is the end of the first week of using my new system, and I love it so far!! Instead of having multiple things to do, feeling overwhelmed about it and not knowing even where to start, I already have it written out. I even created a section to check off the completed chores to release those endorphin's, and boy does it feel good to check them off! I also included larger random tasks of things I would like to get done within the month, like organize the junk drawer that's over flowing or take down the Christmas lights from the outside of the house, (things that often get forgotten about over and over again). I took the time to create this list and cut into my sleeping time to do so and it's now saving me a ton of grief and feelings of unaccomplishments in my every day life. The lack of sleep the night I took time to create it, definitely is paying off. I know this whole system sounds completely dorky, but it works for me, and that's the only thing that matters!


Here's an example of my spreadsheet:

Dreaded Hours of 4pm-6pm

Whether you're a working Mom or a Stay at Home Mom, I can almost guarantee we all can relate to the dreaded time frame of 4:00PM-6:00PM. This is the time during the day where our child (or children) seem to  absolutely lose it. Whether you've just gotten home to relieve the nanny, just picked your child up from daycare or you're just trying to make dinner, we are all faced with similar scenarios of over the top, dramatically cranky little people. They are hungry, sleepy and exhausted from their day, and whether it's your first time seeing them since early that morning or you've been with them all day, they really don't seem to care. Eventually we start to feel like we're losing our minds along with them. Poor hubby's probably feel like the whole household has gone nuts, he might even start to feel a little nuts himself. Reality is, this is just how it is, our little angels have been so busy all day that during this time it feels to them how we might feel at 10pm. So, how do we overcome it? Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that, I certainly wish I did. In my opinion I feel it's all about how we manage our time. The biggest lesson I've learned this past year as a new Momma is to try and avoid unwanted situations. And what I mean by that is to try to recognize what triggers certain outcomes and if we want to create a different outcome avoid those triggers. For instance, when I'm attempting to cook dinner between 4-6 it creates the worst outcome for us. Elijah will hang onto my legs, cry to me "up, up", gets into drawers, terrorize the dogs etc. And when I tell him he is not to be in the kitchen (a rule I've been trying to enforce, for what seems like forever) he cries or falls into complete tantrum mode. Now, thankfully this doesn't happen every evening, partly because sometimes he's perfectly content in playing with his toys just long enough for me to get the food onto the stove, partly because Dad is home to help distract, and partly because sometimes I'm actually successful in avoiding the situation all together. For me I have found Crock Pots and preparing dinners earlier to have worked wonders. This way I'm not busy when he starts to melt down and I can attend to him rather than shooing him out of the kitchen. I also have come to realize that it doesn't always happen this way. Whether it's because the day was busy and preparing dinner early simply just didn't happen, or I was at work for most of the day and so dinner became last on the agenda, or I was feeling lazy, we are always thrown for a loop if the schedule is altered. And lets face it, it's usually always altered in one way or another. Either way, it's inner strength we have to find and it's a day by day process. If there's a tantrum, it comes and then it goes and  they eventually go to sleep; even if it's hours later, at some point they sleep. We constantly are shown that what worked yesterday may not necessarily work today. It can feel like a losing battle at times, but if you're a Momma out there feeling like what I've described; know that you're not alone and that there's at least me out here feeling the same way.

Veggies - To Decieve or Not Decieve

April 22, 2011

As an infant beginning to eat real food, Elijah ate EVERYTHING. And when I say everything I'm not exaggerating. I'm talking even the veggies; spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, beets, etc. We honestly would hesitate sometimes on giving him more food because he would eat so much it worried us that we might over feed him. However, with hearing about some of my fellow Momma's having trouble getting their babies to eat certain things or eat anything at all, I began to feel a little better. I thought, at least this is a battle we won't have to have with him at dinner time later. Boy did I speak too soon, this was just a battle we were going to encounter at a later time. The deeper into toddlerhood he gets the more picky he gets. Currently he won't eat anything green (literally). 

As you can see, the zucchini was picked out of the spaghetti.

And he doesn't like oatmeal, doesn't like rice, is picky about meat, will eat fruit but can be picky about it. Basically anything healthy he's not as enthusiastic about. As for cheerios, cheese, bread, crackers, or also known as CARBS, these are the foods he's most keen on. But I've found a system, and for any of you Mom's out there who are struggling with something similar, this works for us!

First, it's important to understand serving sizes, which may lower some stress levels for you if your child isn't eating the foods that you feel are healthy for him. This definitely helped me calm down a bit about it. The easiest scale is 1 tablespoon per year of age as a serving size. Toddlers need roughly 4 servings of fruits and veggies, 2 servings of protein, 16-24 ounces of dairy and 4 servings of grains. At 1 tablespoon per serving, we're not talking much! For us, the part we struggle with most are the veggies, so sometimes I sneak these veggies into his food. I puree' the veggies he's not too fond of and put them in highly preferred foods. Cauliflower in eggs,  squash in mac-n-cheese or grilled cheese, (although sometimes he'll eat squash by itself) broccoli in stew, and pretty much anything (like mushrooms or zucchini) in spaghetti or burgers. Guess what? He eats it all up!! In addition I put whatever veggies we're having for dinner on his plate in attempt to get him to eat them by themselves too.

This method I have found from talking to other Moms is pretty controversial. As some are opposed to it due to feeling like the method deceives our children. My answer to that is when they are between the ages of 1-3 their communication is pretty limited. With that, in my opinion, there's really no benefit to battling at the dinner table trying to explain to your toddler why it's important they eat their veggies. Following with feeling like your failing your child by not giving him the essential nutrients he needs because in the end he wouldn't eat them anyway, or he even spit them out. Not only that, but I don't feel it's beneficial to turn eating into a negative activity, it will just cause additional problems down the line later. So until we can have that dialog between us, why not give him the veggies he needs into his food, offer some on the side but not making vegetables the center of attention. We can worry about having that conversation as to why eating veggies are important later when he can understand? Works for us! I feel a lot better, Elijah is eating good nutritious food, and dinner is stress free! 

A Day With Vinny

I do believe that Momma's reach a certain point when they start considering more children even when their first child is still young. It's like we forget everything we went through, everything we're going through, and everything we would be setting ourselves up for by having another child. While preggo, I used to be really concerned with the pain of child birth and I questioned if I would be able to handle it or not. My Mom used to continue to tell me, "I'm going to be honest, because it definitely does hurt, but it's a pain you forget." I kept thinking she was crazy, how could you forget it? How could you ever want to put yourself through that again? Well she was right, you forget it. And remarkably almost instantly, right when they place that little human in your arms. From that point forward you are faced with a million new concepts, a million questions that weren't covered in the books you've read, and dealing with emotions that take over and force you to tears for minuscule reasons... of course you forget the child birth pain, because now you have too many other things to think about.
I feel that the more Mom's I talk to the majority (however not all) would prefer to have their children close in age. Close in age, meaning 1-3 years apart. Considering a 9 month long pregnancy we're talking becoming pregnant pretty close to after your first child is born. Along with pain, I think we forget the work that goes along with every day in raising a newborn.

I had my first taste of what having a second child around would be like this past weekend. A really good friend of mine asked me to watch her son (4 months) while she was at work. I eagarly agreed, as I was excited to have a baby in the house again! But let me tell you, even though Vincent is a very easy going baby, we had our struggling moments and those struggling moments stemmed from my son. At 15 months he had no idea what was going on, who this little person was, or why the hell he was here, therefore resulting in major jealousy. He wanted to be held, he wanted to "help," and he wanted to "play" with the baby. There was a lot of  "No Eli, be gentle! He's just a baby!" or "I will get to you in a second Elijah, the baby needs his diaper changed" (as he is hanging on my legs). I realized that having your first child be so young with a new baby around makes it very difficult to get through every day tasks or to explain things to him so that he understands what is going on.

Elijah: "C'mon, lemme just touch your nose!"

On the controversy, after raising an infant and now toddler and then going back to an infant, I quickly learned how easy it is to in fact take care of a newborn. I realize now that I should have taken time to appreciate the naps with the baby on my chest, the constant sleeping throughout the day (even if the naps seemed short), the fact that the baby usually does one of three things; eat, sleep, poop and there's not much in between, the down time and the fact that if you leave the baby laying on the blanket he doesn't move! At the time this was all clouded with exhaustion, and my focus was on how tired I was and how hard this really seemed to be. Now, whenever the time comes for us to expand our family, the infant stage is not going to be as seemingly low key as before. From this point forward there will always be another little human running around trying to "help," wanting attention, probably not napping while the new baby is, and when that baby is laying on the blanket without rolling off, he may be possibly being moved by his older brother.

Note: Elijah has had zero interest in this play mat
for months, until of course Vince was in it!

Moral of the story: This is dedicated to the new Momma's out there or the Momma's to be. ENJOY and APPRECIATE your delicate time with your newborn, even though I know it gets cloudy when you're sleep deprived and you haven't showered. Unless you're choosing to only have one child, it'll never be as easy as it is now to raise a newborn.

Teething and the Silver Lining

I think if you talk to most Mom's (or Dad's even) out there they will all agree that teething is a NIGHTMARE! And, I have to agree. Sleepless nights, fevers, cranky babies, babies in pain (and there's nothing you can do), not to mention they begin to resist your love and affection because they realize that you aren't going to take the actual pain away, they have diaper rashes, loss of appetites, clingy-ness, etc. It's just a mess, and we all go through it. Sometimes parent's have a more difficult time and others have it easier but that's pretty much across the board with all parenting milestones. BUT, I have found the silver lining.... remember purees, and steamed food? Dicing up food into little tiny pieces? All I remember is time consumption! 

Silver lining and of course it comes with time, and when the first molars are there, but whole fruits and/or veggies, in this particular case an apple. The pictures are blurry because the little monster kept moving. But I was sitting on the couch folding laundry watching him, and thinking this is SO much easier! He's hungry? Grab an apple out of the fruit basket and presto! He's happy, and you're not dicing, steaming, pureeing and feeding.

I don't know if I'd go as far as to say the teething process was completely worth it especially with the number two molars that are around the corner, but it certainly is providing a little more independence for my son and a little more Momma time (to fold laundry).

Even Banana's are easier!